Yep, I don't really know how else to say it, but things got off track here. Things were flying along, chaotic but manageable as usual, until that Monday afternoon when I was downstairs sewing, three of the kids were downstairs by me, and the other 4 were upstairs playing- in a huge room, door open where I could hear them playing, and my 11 year old son came running downstairs, shaking like a leaf, eyes bugging out of his head, and he said, "Mom! I don't want to tell you this, but I HAVE to tell you this, I can't not tell you this... she sucked my dick!!" She being his 7 year old sister, who came to our family from foster care and whose adoption was completed in November.
I immediately told her to stay upstairs, my son to stay in the kitchen, and sent the rest of the kids to play out in the backyard with my 13 year old daughter to watch. I got my son calmed down enough to tell me what happened. What he described both boggled my mind and broke my heart for both of them. The behavior he described was aggressive, predatory, and suggested that she is quite sexually experienced/confident. Absolutely not the way you want to think about 7 year old girls. I called her downstairs and into another room. She was angry and defiant in her demeanor. She yelled at me, "I didn't do nothing, he forced me, he held me down...!!" So I called in the first child who had also been in the room; my 12 year old son. He has some mild developmental delays, but is generally pretty honest and not a good liar. I questioned him in front of my daughter, and I asked him in a manner that if he wanted to tell me what he thought I wanted to hear, he would have incriminated the boy. He did not. His description matched the other boy's perfectly and he was adamant that the boy had done nothing but try to get the girl to leave him alone and that he never asked her to be near him and did not encourage her, and had only acted to push her off of him. I thanked him and sent him outside, then called in the other one, a 9 year old girl. Same thing- I asked my questions in a manner that would have placed blame on the boy, and her description of events were completely consistent with the two boys. I sent her outside. Then I had to do what I hate to do, and I had to turn to the 7 year old and tell her that I just heard three people who didn't get to talk to each other about it tell me the same story- and hers is different, so I needed her to tell me something closer to the truth. After having to repeat this several times and her scream "I didn't do nothing" at me, she crossed her arms, took on what we've all come to call "the ugly face" and said, "Fine, I did it." Then silence and glaring for a moment, and "But I don't care."
I had a friend come and watch the rest of the kids and I took her to the hospital to have her screened by mental health, and they agreed with me that she was not safe to herself and others, and we found her a hospital bed on a children's behavioral health unit, 2 hours from where we live. I drove her up there. It took 6 hours from when my son ran downstairs, until I dropped her off and she was still angry and glaring. She spent 10 days in the hospital, and during that time, I requested longer term care for her because the hospital said they couldn't open the topic of past sexual trauma (which is NOT in her record... no sexual acting out had been recorded during her 2-1/2 years in foster care, which makes me wonder... who the hell was not watching out for this kid.... you can't tell me that what she did came from a kid who had simply watched her mom have sex with multiple partners at age 4 and under... so what happened to her in between?) and she was being perfectly fine there, so they wanted to send her home. I filed complaints and argued that if she would act out sexually toward an 11 year old boy, in front of two other older children, she is NOT safe for home or the community- that she's at risk as a perpetrator AND as a potential victim.
Eventually, I did get an approval for longer term care and last Monday I took her to a residential facility about 2 hours from our house, in a different direction. She was quiet and kind of distant. I think she thinks we will not take her back. I think she is young enough she can change, and that intensive treatment may help her. They are supposed to help her talk about the trauma issues in her past while she is there, as well as skills to deal with anger and impulse control. So far, they say she is quiet and being a perfectly model child. I hope that her honeymoon is over soon so she can truly get the help she needs. They can't treat what they don't see. I am just hoping and praying that this gives her a boost toward being a happier, healthier person. It's going to mean an awful lot of 2 hours each way road trips in the next 2 months, so that she knows we are there for her, even with what happened.
Meanwhile, her brother that I also adopted, is having a hard time. He has started stealing again, mostly from home (bringing it to school and putting it in his desk) and his teacher's books. He's been alternating between angry and defiant (about 2/3 of the time) and pleasant and fun the rest of the time. It's hard to live on that roller coaster with him; sometimes we are all very exhausted. I am hoping that having the 3 months of just one high intensity child will help us to help him connect a bit more. I had to talk with their grandmother today- we are keeping in contact with her because she really adores them, but could not afford them or manage their extreme behaviors. It broke my heart to have to tell her what had happened, but I was glad that I could assure her that they are getting the help they need, and that I am committed to them, regardless of what happens.
My son is still freaked out, but all in all, he is an amazingly resilient and forgiving person. So are the other children. We have gone over tightening up safety rules for the home, which will have to be extremely strict (as in no mixed gender groups out of an adults immediate line of sight) and she will have to sleep in her own room, alone, with an alarm on the door. She will not be allowed out of the sight of myself or another adult, until we have gone at least a year with no major issues. I was proud how quickly they acted to address the situation when it occurred, so that nobody had to shoulder any secrets for any length of time, and no additional incidents were able to occur. The kids said they feel safe again and that the safety plan we've devised feels workable to them.
If you are a praying person, please pray for my family, and especially for my most recently adopted daughter and son. They have deep scars and hurting inside that turns into acting out on the outside, and they need healing. The rest of us need healing from the anger they hurl toward us at times, and to be forgiving and patient, while also strong and firm. Thank you.