This one's for the girls...
My favorite fortune cookie says "If you want to win anything- a race, your self, your life- you have to go a little berserk." And, to add a motto, let's say it's "I don't read trashy romance novels- I live them." Be forewarned.
February Blur
So it is March already. It hit 71 yesterday and 61 today. Robins are appearing, with grackle and sparrows, and I hope they are the harbingers that spring is here to stay. I have had enough of winter. Seems like I was sick all through February with sinus problems and just general, horrible, lethargy and malaise. The last couple of days it's been sunny and I've felt almost myself, and I sure hope that is here to stay.
Probably the most significant thing that happened to me in February is that a beloved friend died. I had talked about her before, but not for a while. She has had a lot of troubles in her short life, and about this time last year was when she seemed to give up and start a downward slide. She was 15 when I met her; she was my neighbor when I lived on the other side of town. A petite blonde with a fiery temperament and a bad habit for meth and alcohol already; totally out of her parents' control. We ended up with a deal; she could say on my couch as long as she was clean and sober. She'd stay for a few days to a few months at a time, off and on, over the last 10 years. She is the friend I had blogged about before, with the abusive husband. When he was in jail for beating her into the hospital, she spent a lot of time over here and she finished a semester of junior college, with nearly straight As. Then he got out of jail and she went back to him, and I saw less and less of her. She started drinking again, and I think had started the drugs back up. She was getting very crazy and erratic, and last May, I talked to her dad and he was wracked with guilt about whether or not to step in and do something about her kids. I told him how to file a child in need of care (CINC) case, and reminded him that she is an adult, and responsible for herself- but that her kids have no choice, and if they are in danger, his first responsibiity is to the kids, not her. He did end up having to file, and he got the oldest son, and the younger two went to their dad's sister. She and her husband proceeded to get more and more out of control. Every once and a while she'd call me and ask me to take her to church, or see if I had something she needed, like some clothes or groceries, and I'd help out where I could. But I didn't see much of her, which meant she wasn't doing well.
This was the second time her kids were taken into state custody. The first time, I think they let her skate because the kids were taken due to her being hospitalized (for her husband beating her) and she didn't do hardly anything on the case plan, and she got them back anyway. I think she thought that would happen this time, and it didn't. She and her husband had their parental rights severed in December. She ended up at the state hospital; I think she overdosed. After that, she said she was leaving her husband and moving in with friends the next town over. I heard she had gotten a job and was excited. Two days before she died, I was driving to work and saw her walking toward her husband's apartment, and I thought, "This can't be good." No, it was not good.
Apparently the day she died, her husband paid cash for a car, from her uncle. She had argued with her father about something; I don't know what; that morning. She and her husband were apparently drinking, and had two other people in the back of the car. He was driving (on a suspended license) and going too fast. He lost control of the car, rolled it completely, and it kept going once it was back on its wheels, so he kept going. Apparently he cracked a vertebrae, but didn't notice. The article in the paper said that the two people in the back seat were ejected from the car. It was a small car, and from what I hear, at least one of the passengers was sizeable enough of a woman that she barely fit in the car and could not possibly have been ejected from the car, especially without injury. Perhaps the back seat passengers had their seatbelts on, and asked to be let out of the car; I guess they and the husband will be the only one to ever know the truth.
My friend was one who never wore her seatbelt. The newspaper article is vague; the rumor is she was hanging halfway out the window and he didn't notice. What is known is that no one called 911 about her. He didn't try to get help. He drove aimlessly around the countryside and about 2 hours later, called 911, complaining that his car wasn't running right. It took them quite a while to find him, and then find her. She was alive when she made it to the local hospital, and the family says she was alive for a few hours after she was life flighted to the closest big hospital (the paper says she was dead on arrival). When his blood alcohol level was checked, it was still around 0.20; more than 2 hours after the accident. He is walking around town, and he went to her funeral, and he appears to have no remorse. If it like everything else in their relationship, he will say it is her fault. Yes, she made bad choices. But no one deserves to be critically injured and denied medical care; no one.
My children took it very hard. For about a week, my older son had heartburn and vomiting after eating. He had nightmares and became fearful again. My oldest daughter was furious that, when we went to the visitation, people were talking and laughing, and no one seemed sad that she was gone, except us. I reminded her that my friend came from a big family- she was one of nine children and her dad was one of 13. So there were many people who came as a courtesy, and did not know her all that well. I didn't want to tell my kids that, with the problems she had and her tendency towards fits of temper when not doing well, some people might have been relieved that she was gone. After the visitation, I remarked to my kids that I wondered who picked her outfit. They had an open casket, and had done a fair job of making her up. She looked bloated; perhaps that was the alcohol she'd been drinking in copious quantity since losing her kids, but the only injury apparent was a scrape on her chin. I remarked to my kids that I half-expected her to sit up in the coffin and demand, "Who the FUCK dressed me in this UGLY shirt?!" She was ultra picky about her clothes, preferring low waist jeans in fancy brands, and baby doll t's in aeropostale, lucky, or similar brands. She'd bring me clothes and go, "This is too fancy, here, you take it." I have a coat and a shirt I love that came from her that way, as well as half a dozen pairs of jeans she gave me because she'd gotten too big for them. They make me think of her. I talked to one of her cousins later, who she'd been close to and that I knew would understand, and she laughed out loud when I made the comment about the shirt- she said she'd thought the same thing.
I was very fortunate that I had a client cancel and was able to go to her funeral. Her family is Catholic and she had been trying to get back into her faith off and on. The priest did a wonderful job of honoring her; he started out with some fun stories people had told him about her- that whatever else you might think about her and her choices- she was someone you could always count on to keep things lively. She had this huge belly laugh that you just couldn't help but laugh along with. She did want to help people, and she was often there for her friends in ways you would never expect. He told the story of Jesus and the adultress, and how Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." He reminded people that it would be easy to judge her, but far more important to learn from her and to see the good that she did bring. I think she would have been happy with it. She was 25 years old, and now she is buried in the Catholic Cemetary in the next town over. They say that her husband may be charged with second degree murder. Either way, it is a tragedy. Like so many people, I had always seen the good in her and hoped that she would get it together. But now, we only hope she rests in peace.
Stray thoughts on Saturday evening.
Don't quite know where time has gotten to, that more than a week has passed since I've written, and January is nearly over. The last week or two hasn't been all that exciting. The weather got warmer and it rained. It got colder and it snowed. I'm ready for summer. Seems like being cooped up indoors makes my kids and I all kinds of cranky, and I just want them to be able to get outdoors and get some fresh air and some space!
I think the last time I wrote, Bad Boyfriend was going to come down to visit. He did. But, I had explained that I would need to get to bed fairly early since I'd have to get up at 5 am, so I asked that he come for dinner and we set 5:30 as the time. He has a new (to him) car and the engine was doing something odd, so he took it to the mechanic and called me around 3:30 to let me know he was running late. He finally got it back and left for here around 7. It's about an hour and a half from his house to mine, and he quipped, "I'll drive 80." I told him better to do the speed limit; that country highway is well patrolled. Yep, he got a ticket, and it somehow took him 3 hours to get here. He arrived about the time I wanted to be going to bed, so I was tired and cranky, and knowing I had to get up early and drive 2 hours in the morning didn't help with that. I was yawning like crazy by 11, and ended up re-explaining that I'd asked him to come early for a reason, and that I wasn't going to tell him not to come because I appreciate that he wanted to, and I wouldn't have been offended had he decided to reschedule, but that in coming so late, he also needed to understand that I would still need to be able to get some sleep and that I had explained my situation when we set up the time. He thought about it a second and said, "Oh yeah" like a lightbulb finally, suddenly came on. I wanted to kick him in the shin and remind him that when I tell him something, it's for a reason, not so it can go in one ear and out the other. He left around midnight. It was a good visit, other than me being so tired and cranky, and I sent him home with a couple of books to read that he was interested in.
The guy who fixed my door kept in touch for about a week, then I haven't seen/heard from him since. Maybe he's busy, maybe the kids scared him off. I figure he knows where to find me if he wants to say hi, and we'll probably bump into each other again eventually. Been talking to my Little Soldier a lot in the last week, he's always fun. He's been on a reading about the philosophy and theory of physics kick and I know almost nothing about that area, so that amuses the heck out of him.
The biggest thing that happened recently was that the school lost all of my children on Friday. The after school program got cancelled due to the snow and bad roads, so they called me at work and told me to tell the school where to send the kids. I called my daycare (which has been the same since 2005) and she said no problem with going to get them and keeping them for the afternoon. Around 3:15 she called me and said when she got to the school, they were gone and it turned out the school had put them on the bus to a big daycare facility on the other side of town!! I was able to track them down (after getting bitched out by the director of that daycare, saying, "Our driver would never pick up kids without authorization!" and then the bus pulling up with all five kids on it) and my daycare went to pick them up, but nobody was answering the phone at the school so I get to gripe at them on Monday. Apparently the secretary wrote down that the kids were to go to that other daycare, in the chaos of all the phone calls. That I can understand happening. But, my kids told them that they did not go to that daycare, and then the principal walked them out to the bus, thinking they were just being know-it-alls. The bus driver apparently told him that she wasn't authorized to take those kids, and the principal, going on what the secretary wrote down, told the bus driver they were supposed to and loaded them on the bus. Then the bus driver took them to that daycare! That is just SO wrong. I don't know who to be more furious with. The secretary should have written it down right, but I can understand that error on such a busy day. But what I don't understand is not double checking after the kids AND the bus driver said this wasn't right. The real babysitter's information is in their file, so they could have called her or me. And the bus driver should have refused to go anywhere with kids she had no authorization to take. To make matters worse, our daycare provider is battling cancer and when the kids thought they were being shuttled to a strange place, they thought that meant something bad had happened to her. And they were worried because they know that several of their friends' moms would take them in a pinch, or I'd take off the last few hours of work to get them if there wasn't anyone familiar to cover for me. So that made them worry what might be wrong with all their other familiar people. It was definitely very scary and unsettling for them; I'm so glad they had each other to lean on so they weren't completely terrified. I think they felt like they had fallen into a bad episode of Lemony Snicket. I was glad we sorted it out quickly, but I am furious at the school and that other daycare, and feel terrible for my kids.
I think the last time I wrote, Bad Boyfriend was going to come down to visit. He did. But, I had explained that I would need to get to bed fairly early since I'd have to get up at 5 am, so I asked that he come for dinner and we set 5:30 as the time. He has a new (to him) car and the engine was doing something odd, so he took it to the mechanic and called me around 3:30 to let me know he was running late. He finally got it back and left for here around 7. It's about an hour and a half from his house to mine, and he quipped, "I'll drive 80." I told him better to do the speed limit; that country highway is well patrolled. Yep, he got a ticket, and it somehow took him 3 hours to get here. He arrived about the time I wanted to be going to bed, so I was tired and cranky, and knowing I had to get up early and drive 2 hours in the morning didn't help with that. I was yawning like crazy by 11, and ended up re-explaining that I'd asked him to come early for a reason, and that I wasn't going to tell him not to come because I appreciate that he wanted to, and I wouldn't have been offended had he decided to reschedule, but that in coming so late, he also needed to understand that I would still need to be able to get some sleep and that I had explained my situation when we set up the time. He thought about it a second and said, "Oh yeah" like a lightbulb finally, suddenly came on. I wanted to kick him in the shin and remind him that when I tell him something, it's for a reason, not so it can go in one ear and out the other. He left around midnight. It was a good visit, other than me being so tired and cranky, and I sent him home with a couple of books to read that he was interested in.
The guy who fixed my door kept in touch for about a week, then I haven't seen/heard from him since. Maybe he's busy, maybe the kids scared him off. I figure he knows where to find me if he wants to say hi, and we'll probably bump into each other again eventually. Been talking to my Little Soldier a lot in the last week, he's always fun. He's been on a reading about the philosophy and theory of physics kick and I know almost nothing about that area, so that amuses the heck out of him.
The biggest thing that happened recently was that the school lost all of my children on Friday. The after school program got cancelled due to the snow and bad roads, so they called me at work and told me to tell the school where to send the kids. I called my daycare (which has been the same since 2005) and she said no problem with going to get them and keeping them for the afternoon. Around 3:15 she called me and said when she got to the school, they were gone and it turned out the school had put them on the bus to a big daycare facility on the other side of town!! I was able to track them down (after getting bitched out by the director of that daycare, saying, "Our driver would never pick up kids without authorization!" and then the bus pulling up with all five kids on it) and my daycare went to pick them up, but nobody was answering the phone at the school so I get to gripe at them on Monday. Apparently the secretary wrote down that the kids were to go to that other daycare, in the chaos of all the phone calls. That I can understand happening. But, my kids told them that they did not go to that daycare, and then the principal walked them out to the bus, thinking they were just being know-it-alls. The bus driver apparently told him that she wasn't authorized to take those kids, and the principal, going on what the secretary wrote down, told the bus driver they were supposed to and loaded them on the bus. Then the bus driver took them to that daycare! That is just SO wrong. I don't know who to be more furious with. The secretary should have written it down right, but I can understand that error on such a busy day. But what I don't understand is not double checking after the kids AND the bus driver said this wasn't right. The real babysitter's information is in their file, so they could have called her or me. And the bus driver should have refused to go anywhere with kids she had no authorization to take. To make matters worse, our daycare provider is battling cancer and when the kids thought they were being shuttled to a strange place, they thought that meant something bad had happened to her. And they were worried because they know that several of their friends' moms would take them in a pinch, or I'd take off the last few hours of work to get them if there wasn't anyone familiar to cover for me. So that made them worry what might be wrong with all their other familiar people. It was definitely very scary and unsettling for them; I'm so glad they had each other to lean on so they weren't completely terrified. I think they felt like they had fallen into a bad episode of Lemony Snicket. I was glad we sorted it out quickly, but I am furious at the school and that other daycare, and feel terrible for my kids.
Sunday Night Stray Thoughts
It's kind of late on Sunday night and I'm up late because yay, tomorrow is a holiday and I can sleep in. Crossing fingers the kids will let me, LOL. But they should; I told them they get cranky mommy if they wake me up before 8.
Had a good weekend. Saturday, the kids and I went up to the city and dropped a critter at the airport (it went smoothly this time, but that's because I wasn't using the airline with the mean guy and the bad service). We got done in plenty of time to head back south and make it to the messianic service, and stayed for supper afterward. The kids love it there and I have to agree; everyone is warm and welcoming, and there is a lot of diversity in the congregation. The study was about Pharoah and the plagues, and I enjoyed that discussion. They were showing the second half of the original Ten Commandments movie after the supper, but it was getting late and I had to get home and pick up my oldest daughter from the Girl Scout cookie kickoff, so we had to head home for the evening. Also picked up her best friend, who spent the night with us.
Funny set of coincidences, though... On the way up to the city, I stopped to get coffee for me and juice for the kids, at our local convenience store. A guy that was also there said, "Hey, how did your marshmallow guns work out?" And I looked at him and recognized that, back in August, when my kids and I had been shopping in the plumbing section of our local feed and farm store for parts for marshmallow guns, the store help wasn't and this was the guy who had helped me figure out what bits and parts to get. I laughed and told him they were great, and the dog especially appreciates them because he likes to eat the spent ammunition when he can. I chit chatted with the clerks, who know me well from these morning drop ins, that I hoped it was warm in the city, so the guy asked me what was taking me to the city so early in the morning and I told him I had to ship a critter. He was curious and so I told him about my hobby/business and he said he'd love to see them sometime, and gave me his card. Turns out he works as an independent contractor/all around repair guy. I gave him my card and told him to call me. He called me today, and asked him if he had any ideas, short of taking the door off, to fix my jammed door knob in the back (we haven't been able to get out my back door since about October, and I couldn't get the little piece that goes from the door to the door jam, to unstick it, even with taking the knob off and trying to force it). He said he might be able to so, brave soul, he came over and wow- within about 3 minutes (and under a constant barrage of questions and assertions from the 4 of my 5 kids who happened to be awake), he got the doorknob apart and apparently has a lot more hand strength to get the thing to pry out than I do. Took longer to get the doorknob back on, but that's okay. I have a dead bolt so that locks and works with my keys so I don't want to. The kids were ecstatic; now they can take the dog and the trash out without having to go all the way around the house. YAY!! The kids hopped up and down and thanked him profusely and showed him all their favorite critters and talked twenty million miles faster than even I do. He probably thinks we are the crazy house and won't come back, LOL. But at least our back door works now. :)
Had a good weekend. Saturday, the kids and I went up to the city and dropped a critter at the airport (it went smoothly this time, but that's because I wasn't using the airline with the mean guy and the bad service). We got done in plenty of time to head back south and make it to the messianic service, and stayed for supper afterward. The kids love it there and I have to agree; everyone is warm and welcoming, and there is a lot of diversity in the congregation. The study was about Pharoah and the plagues, and I enjoyed that discussion. They were showing the second half of the original Ten Commandments movie after the supper, but it was getting late and I had to get home and pick up my oldest daughter from the Girl Scout cookie kickoff, so we had to head home for the evening. Also picked up her best friend, who spent the night with us.
Funny set of coincidences, though... On the way up to the city, I stopped to get coffee for me and juice for the kids, at our local convenience store. A guy that was also there said, "Hey, how did your marshmallow guns work out?" And I looked at him and recognized that, back in August, when my kids and I had been shopping in the plumbing section of our local feed and farm store for parts for marshmallow guns, the store help wasn't and this was the guy who had helped me figure out what bits and parts to get. I laughed and told him they were great, and the dog especially appreciates them because he likes to eat the spent ammunition when he can. I chit chatted with the clerks, who know me well from these morning drop ins, that I hoped it was warm in the city, so the guy asked me what was taking me to the city so early in the morning and I told him I had to ship a critter. He was curious and so I told him about my hobby/business and he said he'd love to see them sometime, and gave me his card. Turns out he works as an independent contractor/all around repair guy. I gave him my card and told him to call me. He called me today, and asked him if he had any ideas, short of taking the door off, to fix my jammed door knob in the back (we haven't been able to get out my back door since about October, and I couldn't get the little piece that goes from the door to the door jam, to unstick it, even with taking the knob off and trying to force it). He said he might be able to so, brave soul, he came over and wow- within about 3 minutes (and under a constant barrage of questions and assertions from the 4 of my 5 kids who happened to be awake), he got the doorknob apart and apparently has a lot more hand strength to get the thing to pry out than I do. Took longer to get the doorknob back on, but that's okay. I have a dead bolt so that locks and works with my keys so I don't want to. The kids were ecstatic; now they can take the dog and the trash out without having to go all the way around the house. YAY!! The kids hopped up and down and thanked him profusely and showed him all their favorite critters and talked twenty million miles faster than even I do. He probably thinks we are the crazy house and won't come back, LOL. But at least our back door works now. :)
Scattered Stray Thoughts on Wednesday Night
Hmmm. I've had a horrible headache all day, just thought you should know that. Not much going on here, except I ought to be sleeping but I know that as soon as I go upstairs to sleep, I'll be freezing cold and I won't be able to sleep. Though, I did get smart and put my electric blanket on in advance, and that should help. :) The last two nights I woke up in the middle of the night, freezing. My feet were so cold I couldn't even touch them together without jumping out of my skin. And this was with an electric blanket on high, the thermostat in the house on 70, and 7 blankets on my bed. I thought women were supposed to get hot flashes when they get older, not cold flashes. I guess I just can't doing anything the usual way. Wish I knew why on earth it was going on, it's annoying!
Hmm. Trying to get my weekend plans figured out. Bad Boyfriend called me on Monday Night. Said his car died and he got a little KIA SUV and loves it. He used to drive a 1991 Camry that he just kept cobbling back together. Anyway, said he's up for the drive and wanted to know if I'd be here Saturday. Actually, I'll be up there on Saturday morning; gotta take a critter to the airport and the kids are really eager to go to another shabbat service. I told him we'll be headed back this way around 2, so we can meet him up there and he can follow us back so he doesn't get lost. It would be nice to spend some time with him; he's not the world's most sensitive person in the boyfriend department, but what I do know about him is that he likes me for me, and doesn't expect perfection, and he has made changes that make him a better person, based on what I told him when I broke up with him- and not to get me back, but because he realized he needed to, to be a better person. I respect that a lot. I've been there when he calls, but I've made him do the work, realizing that he's one who will let others do all the work if he can, and won't move out of his comfort zone unless he has to. I need to give him space to see if he can move out of his comfort zone because I can't be the one doing all the work. His making the drive here represents a big move outside his comfort zone, so I will be pleased if he follows through.
Got a call on Sunday from another friend of mine, that cracked me up. I don't know if I've referred to him or not, guess I can call him Little Soldier. We've corresponded for almost two years now, I think. He was a medic in Afghanistan when we made one another's acquaintance, and I was pleasantly surprised that he's very bright and articulate, and someone I can give an unabashedly hard time and he just thinks it's funny. He's now stationed about 6 hours from here, so we talk on the phone or skype every once and a while. We are entirely opposites in so many ways. He's half my age, atheist, smokes like a chimney, comes from a conservative Kentucky family, and is very sarcastic and outspoken, and politically uncorrect. We share a love graphic novels, history, politics, culture, and psychology. He likes to pick my brain for ancient history that I lived through, and I tell him it all happened back when I invented dirt. He called Sunday, and I hadn't heard from him since I kept him awake the last hour of the drive to his parents' house when he went home for Christmas. So I cracked up when he called me and said, "I called you because I know you make sense." Because there's one other person who calls me and says that same thing- which is Bad Boyfriend- and it's usually over the same thing: having read something in politics or news and needing to pick my brain for more details to flesh it out and put it in context. I like that they both notice I hold a small encyclopedia in my head and don't feel emasculated by it. Anyway, he'd just read a book by Christopher Hitchins. Bad Boyfriend loves Christopher Hitchens so I have some familiarity. I think Little Soldier is brighter than Bad Boyfriend because he picked up that atheists can be just as extreme and negative as fundamentalists. Gave him a couple of book titles to give him more food for thought. He said he thinks that he might just join the church of the flying spaghetti monster. I told him everybody crazy different.
Hmm. Trying to get my weekend plans figured out. Bad Boyfriend called me on Monday Night. Said his car died and he got a little KIA SUV and loves it. He used to drive a 1991 Camry that he just kept cobbling back together. Anyway, said he's up for the drive and wanted to know if I'd be here Saturday. Actually, I'll be up there on Saturday morning; gotta take a critter to the airport and the kids are really eager to go to another shabbat service. I told him we'll be headed back this way around 2, so we can meet him up there and he can follow us back so he doesn't get lost. It would be nice to spend some time with him; he's not the world's most sensitive person in the boyfriend department, but what I do know about him is that he likes me for me, and doesn't expect perfection, and he has made changes that make him a better person, based on what I told him when I broke up with him- and not to get me back, but because he realized he needed to, to be a better person. I respect that a lot. I've been there when he calls, but I've made him do the work, realizing that he's one who will let others do all the work if he can, and won't move out of his comfort zone unless he has to. I need to give him space to see if he can move out of his comfort zone because I can't be the one doing all the work. His making the drive here represents a big move outside his comfort zone, so I will be pleased if he follows through.
Got a call on Sunday from another friend of mine, that cracked me up. I don't know if I've referred to him or not, guess I can call him Little Soldier. We've corresponded for almost two years now, I think. He was a medic in Afghanistan when we made one another's acquaintance, and I was pleasantly surprised that he's very bright and articulate, and someone I can give an unabashedly hard time and he just thinks it's funny. He's now stationed about 6 hours from here, so we talk on the phone or skype every once and a while. We are entirely opposites in so many ways. He's half my age, atheist, smokes like a chimney, comes from a conservative Kentucky family, and is very sarcastic and outspoken, and politically uncorrect. We share a love graphic novels, history, politics, culture, and psychology. He likes to pick my brain for ancient history that I lived through, and I tell him it all happened back when I invented dirt. He called Sunday, and I hadn't heard from him since I kept him awake the last hour of the drive to his parents' house when he went home for Christmas. So I cracked up when he called me and said, "I called you because I know you make sense." Because there's one other person who calls me and says that same thing- which is Bad Boyfriend- and it's usually over the same thing: having read something in politics or news and needing to pick my brain for more details to flesh it out and put it in context. I like that they both notice I hold a small encyclopedia in my head and don't feel emasculated by it. Anyway, he'd just read a book by Christopher Hitchins. Bad Boyfriend loves Christopher Hitchens so I have some familiarity. I think Little Soldier is brighter than Bad Boyfriend because he picked up that atheists can be just as extreme and negative as fundamentalists. Gave him a couple of book titles to give him more food for thought. He said he thinks that he might just join the church of the flying spaghetti monster. I told him everybody crazy different.
Quote for the Day
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."
- John Harrigan
- John Harrigan
My first post of the new year!
Happy New Year! A bit belated, but hey, better late than never. Seems like since about Thanksgiving, my life has been a series of proofs of Murphy's Law. If something could go wrong, it did. All kinds of things, from little pissy things, to great big expensive things. Started with my tire blowing out a bubble and having the wires showing so it needed replaced on my SUV on the way home from an on-call call, 40 miles from home, at 5:30 at night, the day after Thanksgiving. Spent 2+ hours and $300 I didn't have at a super wally world getting two new back tires so they'd be the same size. Then on the way home, the engine started surging. My friend whose daughter was watching the kids handed me the keys to her nearly new PT cruiser and told me to drive it, and she took my SUV and had her husband look it over. He changed out the fuel filter, which was really yucky (it's a 2003 and probably hadn't been changed, ever). And also discovered that the thing that held the wires to the spark plugs had broken and the wires fell down on the manifold and several had melted. So he fixed that, and they told me not to worry about paying them back until I had it. Then I got the car home and it started surging again. So I parked it and drove my van (I also have an old '98 van my mom gave me this summer), figuring I'd deal with it when I got them paid back for the $291 for the spark plugs and wires and stuff.
Anyway, that brings up the second thing- along with all the things going wrong, I've been really blessed with people being there for me and little things coming along to reassure me and let me know it's all right; things are being handled. I never used to really let people be there for me, and now that I'm open to that, wow. I am so amazed at the wealth of good people around me; some of whom I never really expected it from! And the continuing saga of the cars illustrates some of it. I parked the SUV and drove the van, until the day after Christmas, I needed to deliver an animal to the airport. It had snowed and the roads weren't very cleared, but the flights were on, so we went. I got behind a person that kept speeding up and slowing down, and about 30 minutes down the road, we saw one of the snow plows on its side in the ditch. It took us two hours to get to the interstate and it usually only takes one. I got on the interstate and there was a big traffic jam up ahead. I hit the brakes. The ABS kicked in. Then failed. I had given myself lots of room, thank goodness, and we stopped just barely in time to avoid rear ending someone. The ABS light stayed on, and that means I had no ABS brakes and clearly, the regular ones weren't going to do a whole lot for me. I pulled over at the next exit and called Bad Boyfriend since he lived about 10 miles from where I was at. He happened to be home. He said no problem and came right out, helped me check the brake fluid and stuff, and when I turned the car back on, the ABS light came on. While waiting for him to get there, I called a friend who moved down here from Wisconsin and is used to this weather, and asked her if she'd heard of anything like this. She said yeah, it was probably ice and snow getting packed into the ABS system and if the light's off, it's probably fine. Bad Boyfriend called a friend of his that he says is a really good mechanic and she said the same thing. He followed me to the nearest brake shop, about 2 miles away, and they said the same thing. My nerves were shot and the kids and I decided to go home instead of trying to get to the airport since with all the traffic and delays, we'd be late anyway.
Thankfully, I had just gotten enough money to pay my friend back for the initial work. So, I took the SUV to my mechanic on the following Monday and he said that it was a loose wire on the spark plugs and reattached it and said I was good to go, no charge. But by the time I got the car warmed up on Wednesday morning, it started surging again. I told him I thought it had to do with the balance- that it started when I got the new tires, and maybe it was doing something to the brakes? He said no, that couldn't be it- the tires were equal in the front and equal in the back. He said he'd replace the rest of the battery wires. SUV seemed fine when I got it back that night. So we took it to the airport to try again on shipping the animal on the 31st. I got about 30 miles down the road and it started surging again. By the time we got to the airport, it was horrible. I was trying to figure out what I was going to do since Bad Boyfriend was out of state doing some bodyguard work, and I got a text from Mr. Halfway, who had called me just before Christmas (he gets in touch every once and a while) and saying happy new year. I texted back and asked if he knew anything about battery wires. He said he was at work on the other side of the city, but did know a Ford dealership nearby. He found the phone # for me and I called and they had their shop open. He told me to call if I got stuck and he'd find someone to help me. I made it there, and they did an engine analysis on the machine and that came back A-OK. But the mechanic said, "These '03 explorers have a quirk... if all four tires aren't perfectly balanced, it causes the 4WD to kick in at odd times- that's the surge you're feeling." Turns out that there was a super walmart on the back side of the lot the ford dealership was in, so they got me two tires to match the ones I'd just gotten, and my mom covered the money until I can pay her back so I wouldn't have to scrimp to get it right away, and it took 4+ hours of the kids and I sitting around waiting for it to happen, but at least I finally got my car fixed, and now I know I have an engine that's checked out in good shape by 3 mechanics, and I have new tires with good treads for the bad weather. And friends/family that were there for me when I needed it. That last part is priceless!!
The next cool thing; the kids and I decided to check out one of the Messianic synagogues in the city since I have been enjoying the online services and I always think it's better to study in community than alone. There were two, and I chose the one that seemed smaller and more personable. We got there a little early, and the rabbi sat down with me and explained how they do things. He said they have a contemporary service on Friday nights, and that on Saturdays, it's liturgy and then the Torah portion. I enjoyed that the rebbitzin led the Torah study, and that the format was interactive rather than lecture. The kids thought that it was a bit weird to do the books backward, but during their class, a very nice lady was teaching and explained to them about how Hebrew is different than English and goes right to left, and entertained all their million questions. Afterward, they invited us to join them for a community lunch that they apparently do twice per month, and made us feel very much at home. Afterward, the rabbi sat down with me for another hour or so and just talked very comfortably. He also gave me some reading suggestions, which I've got on order. I like that he emphasized that he wants to encourage people to think, not tell them what to think. It's a small community; maybe 30 people were there that day and he said at most, it's about 55. And yet, the kids made friends and felt very welcome. They all said they want to go back and I would like that very much, too. It's supposed to be bitterly cold again tomorrow, so we're going to stay home this weekend, but we plan to be back the next. :) It was very much in line with the teachings of my home church, and I have the blessings of my pastor to reach out for more community and study so it is an adding to, not a replacing of.
And, another good thing: One of my old friends from grad school tracked me down. She's moved several times and doesn't use the Internet much, and has a very common name so I had lost track. Turns out she's working for the VA in South Carolina and was able to give me some good insider information about buzz words to use in my application essays (called KSAs); much of them I already have. She also told me to think of it like fishing- you might have to throw you application out there 100 times, but just keep doing it and eventually you'll get a bite. She also said that her VA is going to be expanding in a few departments and may be hiring for things I can do, and there's some chance that she'll be looking over applications for input. I'm definitely going to watch for those listings! I would love to be in the area she's at, and it's still within about 8 hours of my mom. She also gave me permission to use her as a reference as we worked together on several assistantships and I've known her for 15 years now. We talked for about 3 hours, and it was so good to catch up, and to get that encouragement!
Anyway, that brings up the second thing- along with all the things going wrong, I've been really blessed with people being there for me and little things coming along to reassure me and let me know it's all right; things are being handled. I never used to really let people be there for me, and now that I'm open to that, wow. I am so amazed at the wealth of good people around me; some of whom I never really expected it from! And the continuing saga of the cars illustrates some of it. I parked the SUV and drove the van, until the day after Christmas, I needed to deliver an animal to the airport. It had snowed and the roads weren't very cleared, but the flights were on, so we went. I got behind a person that kept speeding up and slowing down, and about 30 minutes down the road, we saw one of the snow plows on its side in the ditch. It took us two hours to get to the interstate and it usually only takes one. I got on the interstate and there was a big traffic jam up ahead. I hit the brakes. The ABS kicked in. Then failed. I had given myself lots of room, thank goodness, and we stopped just barely in time to avoid rear ending someone. The ABS light stayed on, and that means I had no ABS brakes and clearly, the regular ones weren't going to do a whole lot for me. I pulled over at the next exit and called Bad Boyfriend since he lived about 10 miles from where I was at. He happened to be home. He said no problem and came right out, helped me check the brake fluid and stuff, and when I turned the car back on, the ABS light came on. While waiting for him to get there, I called a friend who moved down here from Wisconsin and is used to this weather, and asked her if she'd heard of anything like this. She said yeah, it was probably ice and snow getting packed into the ABS system and if the light's off, it's probably fine. Bad Boyfriend called a friend of his that he says is a really good mechanic and she said the same thing. He followed me to the nearest brake shop, about 2 miles away, and they said the same thing. My nerves were shot and the kids and I decided to go home instead of trying to get to the airport since with all the traffic and delays, we'd be late anyway.
Thankfully, I had just gotten enough money to pay my friend back for the initial work. So, I took the SUV to my mechanic on the following Monday and he said that it was a loose wire on the spark plugs and reattached it and said I was good to go, no charge. But by the time I got the car warmed up on Wednesday morning, it started surging again. I told him I thought it had to do with the balance- that it started when I got the new tires, and maybe it was doing something to the brakes? He said no, that couldn't be it- the tires were equal in the front and equal in the back. He said he'd replace the rest of the battery wires. SUV seemed fine when I got it back that night. So we took it to the airport to try again on shipping the animal on the 31st. I got about 30 miles down the road and it started surging again. By the time we got to the airport, it was horrible. I was trying to figure out what I was going to do since Bad Boyfriend was out of state doing some bodyguard work, and I got a text from Mr. Halfway, who had called me just before Christmas (he gets in touch every once and a while) and saying happy new year. I texted back and asked if he knew anything about battery wires. He said he was at work on the other side of the city, but did know a Ford dealership nearby. He found the phone # for me and I called and they had their shop open. He told me to call if I got stuck and he'd find someone to help me. I made it there, and they did an engine analysis on the machine and that came back A-OK. But the mechanic said, "These '03 explorers have a quirk... if all four tires aren't perfectly balanced, it causes the 4WD to kick in at odd times- that's the surge you're feeling." Turns out that there was a super walmart on the back side of the lot the ford dealership was in, so they got me two tires to match the ones I'd just gotten, and my mom covered the money until I can pay her back so I wouldn't have to scrimp to get it right away, and it took 4+ hours of the kids and I sitting around waiting for it to happen, but at least I finally got my car fixed, and now I know I have an engine that's checked out in good shape by 3 mechanics, and I have new tires with good treads for the bad weather. And friends/family that were there for me when I needed it. That last part is priceless!!
The next cool thing; the kids and I decided to check out one of the Messianic synagogues in the city since I have been enjoying the online services and I always think it's better to study in community than alone. There were two, and I chose the one that seemed smaller and more personable. We got there a little early, and the rabbi sat down with me and explained how they do things. He said they have a contemporary service on Friday nights, and that on Saturdays, it's liturgy and then the Torah portion. I enjoyed that the rebbitzin led the Torah study, and that the format was interactive rather than lecture. The kids thought that it was a bit weird to do the books backward, but during their class, a very nice lady was teaching and explained to them about how Hebrew is different than English and goes right to left, and entertained all their million questions. Afterward, they invited us to join them for a community lunch that they apparently do twice per month, and made us feel very much at home. Afterward, the rabbi sat down with me for another hour or so and just talked very comfortably. He also gave me some reading suggestions, which I've got on order. I like that he emphasized that he wants to encourage people to think, not tell them what to think. It's a small community; maybe 30 people were there that day and he said at most, it's about 55. And yet, the kids made friends and felt very welcome. They all said they want to go back and I would like that very much, too. It's supposed to be bitterly cold again tomorrow, so we're going to stay home this weekend, but we plan to be back the next. :) It was very much in line with the teachings of my home church, and I have the blessings of my pastor to reach out for more community and study so it is an adding to, not a replacing of.
And, another good thing: One of my old friends from grad school tracked me down. She's moved several times and doesn't use the Internet much, and has a very common name so I had lost track. Turns out she's working for the VA in South Carolina and was able to give me some good insider information about buzz words to use in my application essays (called KSAs); much of them I already have. She also told me to think of it like fishing- you might have to throw you application out there 100 times, but just keep doing it and eventually you'll get a bite. She also said that her VA is going to be expanding in a few departments and may be hiring for things I can do, and there's some chance that she'll be looking over applications for input. I'm definitely going to watch for those listings! I would love to be in the area she's at, and it's still within about 8 hours of my mom. She also gave me permission to use her as a reference as we worked together on several assistantships and I've known her for 15 years now. We talked for about 3 hours, and it was so good to catch up, and to get that encouragement!
Saturday Night Musings
Time flies by, seems like we have been so busy. Got my car fixed, and my friend who swapped keys with me for the week it was in the shop insisted that I can pay she and her husband back for the $291 in repairs as I'm able, rather than putting it on a credit card (got $100 to them already). Turned out that it needed a fuel filter and spark plugs, and the casing that held the spark plug wires had broken, the wires fell on the manifold, and all but one had melted. It ran great when I got it back, but by the time I had it home, it was making a scraping noise and surging again. I had the realization that it was a milder version of what it was doing last spring, when I got the flat tire and had to put the donut on there, and it did the scraping part until I got two matching tires on there. So, once I get some time to get it done, I'm going to take it and have the tires rotated and see if that helps. If it doesn't, I'll take it back to the mechanic. But for now, I have the old van my mom gave me last summer for back up, and I'll get my friend paid off before I do the next round of incurring a bill as money is very tight for me right now.
I don't remember if I mentioned I put in three more job applications, for VA jobs. One in Junction City, KS; one in Fayetteville, NC; and one in Towson, MD. Don't know if I have a snowballs chance of any of them, but there's no chance of getting a job anywhere else if I don't slowly keep putting apps out there. I need something that pays enough that it'll make the cost of living difference, and that limits me pretty much to federal jobs since I don't want to be in private practice.
Something really neat that my kids and I experienced today is that we visited the world vision experience: aids exhibit, about the effect AIDS has on children in Africa. It was held at the Life Church about an hour from here, and I got lost trying to find it. It was funny, because there happened to be a sheriff's officer parked on the street I went down twice, so I pulled up behind him and hopped out, and surprised him on accident (oops! but that was funny) and I showed him my flyer that had the reservation for the exhibit, and asked if he knew where it was. He looked at it and exclaimed, "Life Church?! I haven't been there yet, but my wife and I have plans to go tonight!" Turned out it was one block down from where I was looking; normally you'd be able to go through, but there was a construction detour, so he told me how to go around.
Anyway, the exhibit was extremely well done: emotive, and thought provoking without being sappy or overdone. I was concerned how my Ethiopian son might take it as he doesn't say much about Africa. I was told that they believe his parents died of AIDS, and that is how he came into care at a very early age. When we went to Ethiopia to get him, we went to one of the orphanages that had been founded by Mother Teresa, and we went to the "AIDS babies" room and played with them. There was one baby on a mattress on the floor that would not be satisfied until my American-born son got down on the floor and sang, and held his chubby hands. We were told that a lot of those babies are adopted to Spain and Switzerland, where they have national healthcare that will pay for the antiretroviral treatment needed to allow people with HIV to manage it to where HIV is something they live with, rather than die from. I will find a picture of one of those babies and post it on here. They also encourage sponsorship, and after the exhibit, we spoke with a woman who lives locally. She told me about the little girl she sponsors in Haiti. She was able to visit the little girl once, with a mission trip, and found out that the little girl had two sisters and an adoptive family was being sought for all of them. She wanted so badly to bring them home, but she was physically disabled in a motorcycle accident when she was in her 20s, and knew she couldn't adequately care for three young girls. So, she continues to sponsor. Sometimes I forget how fortunate I am to have three internationally adopted children, and that my five children are a fairly happy, well-behaved, well-adjusted crew. I read recently that something like 60% of Americans talk about adoption, but only 2% actually do. I want to keep telling people about World Vision. Their statistics are good- only a small percentage of donations go to administrative fees; the majority of it goes to those people who need it. In addition to sponsorships, they also have a store where you can purchase things that will go to help people, like , wells, and even soccer balls. Until you have traveled to these places, you can't even imagine the extreme poverty and what a difference our seemingly small donations make. It reminds me how very much I have to be grateful for.
I don't remember if I mentioned I put in three more job applications, for VA jobs. One in Junction City, KS; one in Fayetteville, NC; and one in Towson, MD. Don't know if I have a snowballs chance of any of them, but there's no chance of getting a job anywhere else if I don't slowly keep putting apps out there. I need something that pays enough that it'll make the cost of living difference, and that limits me pretty much to federal jobs since I don't want to be in private practice.
Something really neat that my kids and I experienced today is that we visited the world vision experience: aids exhibit, about the effect AIDS has on children in Africa. It was held at the Life Church about an hour from here, and I got lost trying to find it. It was funny, because there happened to be a sheriff's officer parked on the street I went down twice, so I pulled up behind him and hopped out, and surprised him on accident (oops! but that was funny) and I showed him my flyer that had the reservation for the exhibit, and asked if he knew where it was. He looked at it and exclaimed, "Life Church?! I haven't been there yet, but my wife and I have plans to go tonight!" Turned out it was one block down from where I was looking; normally you'd be able to go through, but there was a construction detour, so he told me how to go around.
Anyway, the exhibit was extremely well done: emotive, and thought provoking without being sappy or overdone. I was concerned how my Ethiopian son might take it as he doesn't say much about Africa. I was told that they believe his parents died of AIDS, and that is how he came into care at a very early age. When we went to Ethiopia to get him, we went to one of the orphanages that had been founded by Mother Teresa, and we went to the "AIDS babies" room and played with them. There was one baby on a mattress on the floor that would not be satisfied until my American-born son got down on the floor and sang, and held his chubby hands. We were told that a lot of those babies are adopted to Spain and Switzerland, where they have national healthcare that will pay for the antiretroviral treatment needed to allow people with HIV to manage it to where HIV is something they live with, rather than die from. I will find a picture of one of those babies and post it on here. They also encourage sponsorship, and after the exhibit, we spoke with a woman who lives locally. She told me about the little girl she sponsors in Haiti. She was able to visit the little girl once, with a mission trip, and found out that the little girl had two sisters and an adoptive family was being sought for all of them. She wanted so badly to bring them home, but she was physically disabled in a motorcycle accident when she was in her 20s, and knew she couldn't adequately care for three young girls. So, she continues to sponsor. Sometimes I forget how fortunate I am to have three internationally adopted children, and that my five children are a fairly happy, well-behaved, well-adjusted crew. I read recently that something like 60% of Americans talk about adoption, but only 2% actually do. I want to keep telling people about World Vision. Their statistics are good- only a small percentage of donations go to administrative fees; the majority of it goes to those people who need it. In addition to sponsorships, they also have a store where you can purchase things that will go to help people, like , wells, and even soccer balls. Until you have traveled to these places, you can't even imagine the extreme poverty and what a difference our seemingly small donations make. It reminds me how very much I have to be grateful for.
Quote for the Day
"Just as a drop of dew has restorative powers, in our own lives the smallest events and meetings can cause life changes beyond our comprehension. A single act of kindness, a word, a touch- all of these can affect the world in a powerful way."
- Rebbetzin Malkah Forbes
- Rebbetzin Malkah Forbes
Quote for the Day
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."
~Thomas Edison
~Thomas Edison
Stray Thoughts on yet another Saturday night
This week really dragged by; emotionally I continued to really just struggle and it felt like anything that could go wrong, did. Thanksgiving morning, I woke up with a horrible headache, and it seemed like, no matter what happened, all five kids wanted to whine and complain. I finally had it after about the five billionth time of asking them to please keep the volume and the rough housing down or go outside, I finally just snapped at them and told them to shut up and go upstairs. It's pretty rare that I get that cantankerous with them, so they went upstairs and gave me wide berth. It was within an hour of their bedtime at that point, so after a while they went to bed and left me to my own pathetic company. I tried to go to bed, but my brain did not want to shut off, it just kept wanting to dredge up all the negative thoughts I've been thinking for the last few months, and no matter what I did to try to distract myself, I just needed to cry and I did. But I also realized I needed to talk, and around 1 am I called my kids' godmother because she's a nightowl and I figured she'd be awake, and she knows what all is going on with me, and I know she cares. As I guessed, she was awake and let me sob it out, and just listened and comforted for about 30 minutes. I was able to stop crying and go to sleep.
Yesterday I was still feeling headachey and out of sorts, and I ended up having to go out on a call that was outside of the range of what I am required to do, but that the person was being so rude that I needed to go out in the name of good PR for my agency. Which meant I had to go get my babysitter, and then drive about an hour away, talk to someone for about 10 minutes, make the phone call that the other person could have made, and wait an hour and a half for a response. I could have done the same thing via phone without going out there, but no, some supervisor had to be histrionic and insist I come. When I left there, I started out down the road and my back left tire started to wobble. I stopped, got out and looked, and apparently it was getting ready to blow a tread and metal pieces were showing. I was right by super walmart so I went in there, and they were understaffed, but two hours and $300 I don't have later, I had two new tires and was heading home. Stopped to get gas right by walmart, and when I left to get on the road, my car started surging. I think either I got bad gas, or my fuel filter has finally become unhappy with me for alternating between gas and e-85. It would surge when starting up, or when going below 45, but on the highway, it ran fine. Grrr. I got home, and my friend whose daughter was babysitting had come to get her daughter. She knows more about cars than I do, so I had her take my car out with me, and she came to the same guess I did. She called her husband, who is knowledgeable about cars and whose best friend is a very able mechanic, and they said they'd be able to look at it. So, she handed me the keys to her nearly new PT cruiser and took my '03 explorer home, until we can swap back at work on Monday. Wow. Now THAT is a friend. Except, it's so much nicer than my car, I've been afraid to drive it anywhere other than to go to work on Monday; I'll take my old van to church tomorrow. I hope they can figure out what's wrong with it and fix it without having to put it in the shop!! And last night my young friend caught up with me on facebook and we chatted until it got wonky, and he suggested we switch to phone. So we did, then my cell phone battery was dying (I need a new one) so we switched to skype and videoconferenced until about 1 in the morning. I don't think he had any idea how much I really needed to laugh, and that was definitely accomplished. I felt a whole lot better when I woke up today, and went and posted a heart and a thank you to my kids' godmother and my kids were quite relieved to see that I was back to my usual, not so cranky, self.
I caught the Rabbi's shabbat service this morning, and it was really good food for thought. It continued on from last week and he talked about how to identify people who are going to be unhealthy for you- as well as to help you be aware of your own unhealthy habits. He noted this is applicable to all areas of life: church, family, workplace, etc... I took notes on it, and I want to write it down because I want it somewhere that I can look it up in a coherent, non-chicken scratch format before I go on any date with anyone. So; for my future reference, these are 24 points to evaluate character (my own and that of others):
1. Refuse to admit guilt or wrongdoing. May have a temporary admission of guilt, but only as a way to gain favor with someone. "To accept responsibility would violate the spirit of insecurity and ____ (my kids interrupted me so I didn't catch that second word there) from which it originates." The best you'll get from them is "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt."
2. Takes credit for benefits for which they contributed no effort.
3. Uses people to accomplish its agenda- lets others do the dirty work. For example, gets peoples' emotions all stirred up and then lets that person go into a rage, then sits back all innocent, saying, "Who, me?"
4. They will withhold information. You can ask them a question they already know the answer to and they deny that they know, or they outright lie. They won't give you the whole story, so they can draw power from it to manipulate you. They won't tell their spiritual leaders (or boss, or spouse, etc...) what they are thinking; they don't want feedback or to be challenged.
5. Talks in confusion. It's impossible to speak to them with logic. They change the subject around, they may be vague- they may say a whole lot, without actually saying anything and use confusion to keep their agenda hidden.
6. Volunteers for everything. They have seemingly endless energy and volunteer for projects, but their intentions are not good. They don't end up sticking with anything because they typically get burnt out, trying to take on too much for glory, and they typically have a spirit of judgment toward everyone else. They are typically people who move from congregation to congregation (or relationship to relationship), becoming critical over any little thing they see as wrong, and they act as if they are carrying the show. But, the fact is, that when they walk themselves out, they are the ones who lose. Other people, the workplace, the church, etc... are better off without them.
7. Lies. Lies convincingly, no one can lie better than he can. They can turn on the charm so much, that those who are victimized can only stand by and watch it happen- no one believes the victim. That they can look you in the eye and lie shows their rebelliousness.
8. Ignores people. Fails to acknowledge people. He gave the example that his son in law works at Home Depot, and was instructed to ask people, "How may I help you?" When they come through the door. He asked, what would it be like if we did that in our regular lives, asked people how we can help? Contentious people are the opposite- they won't ask this, and they won't acknowledge you. "A classic ploy of controlling people is to ignore you when you are talking to them- ignoring people instead of choosing to talk to them."
9. Never gives credit or shows gratitude. They will rarely acknowledge another person's actions, not even for something that turns out to be beneficial. They just can't say thank you or acknowledge. He points out that in failing to acknowledge people who invest in their lives, they cut off a source of replenishment.
10. Criticizes everyone. Has to be the one who looks good, so they will criticize anyone who has an idea or a plan, even if they agree. "Criticizing elevates the controller in his mind."
11. One upmanship. Feels threatened if anyone dare steal the limelight. If you tell of your accomplishments, he will quickly tell of his.
12. Sequestering information. Loves to be in control of information; will push to be the first to know. Can dictate data about other peoples' actions in mass quantity.
13. Uses information. If in a position of credibility, uses that information to twist it to their own benefit. It gives them a sense of power to know things that others do not.
14. Talks incessantly. Doesn't realize that you can learn more by listening than by talking. Because of this, is unable to receive input.
15. Spiritualizes everything. When a controller is confronted, typically pawns it off on God. Makes the implication that, "You've got a problem, I don't."
16. Is insubordinate. Has a gift of influencing people, but never takes the side of authority unless it makes them look good. They will get your confidence, like an employee who sidles up to the boss, then sells them out. Or a spouse who will tell you yes, and resent you and undermine you, in an effort for power and control.
17. Pushy and domineering. They become a bully. Pressures you to do things; makes you feel like you don't have a right or the ability to choose.
18. Is clairvoyant. They know how to connect with your insecurities and takes advantage of the ability to perceive things about you. Will say things like, "I can't tell you what it is, I just know." Preys on your insecurities, and they get all puffed up.
19. Uses the element of surprise. A large part of control is catching you off guard.
20. Sows seeds of discord. Will continually belittle another person in a subtle way and will use half-truths to undermine others.
21. Center of attention. When others are recognized, he undermines this.
22. Vengeful. Since he's never wrong, if you confront him you'd better be ready for him to be your worst enemy; you become the target of the worst venom.
23. Attempts to make you look like the contentious spirit. Tries to make the innocent person look like the one that is controlling.
24. Disapproval. Often manipulates with disapproval, as in a marriage or a work situation. You feel like you can't say anything at all, because no matter what you do, it will be wrong.
That is a really good list. I can say that a couple of my issues show up on there. Sometimes I struggle with withholding information. However, that's typically a matter of not feeling safe revealing information. If someone asks me a direct question, I'll generally give them a direct answer. A lot of times, people don't ask and I just don't volunteer. I'll have to pay attention to more to whether that works or doesn't work for me. Another is the incessant talking. I do love to talk. But, I do also have times when I listen. And I ask for clarification before I keep talking. Sometimes I kick myself because I wish I had shut up and listened better, and when that happens and I get the chance, I go back and apologize and ask for them to tell me again, with my full, rapt attention. I think I do sometimes also just know things about people- but when challenged on how I know, it isn't that I'm pulling it out of the air, it's based on their past behaviors and statements, and I'll explain if asked. My ex husband said that irritated the heck out of him when we were married, but he really misses that now. I suspect that quality was one of the big ones that Mr. Heartless found so annoying. It's not that I am judging, it's that I'm asking a question and trying to understand.
I also liked the list because it tells me there are things I am doing right in my relationships with others, even if they don't always turn out so great. For example, I invite people to disagree with me, or to tell me what it is they don't like about me. I'm willing to seek feedback, and I don't typically leave a conflict with a person hanging, without trying to come to some sort of understanding or resolution. I don't always agree with authority, but I do respect that if I disagree and I choose to stay, I need to support. I understand that one bad part doesn't make an entire thing bad (though, that appears to be a double edged sword for me with some people). Even though I often feel detached, I do have things I have been a part of for long term. I've been at my job over 9 years. I've had my home business for 14 years. I've got my 5 kids and I am there for them. I have been part of my church for 3-1/2 years, and stayed when the congregation split, and have been part of a small group of people who have just gone to as many of those who left as we could find, and simply stating we miss them and hope they are well, and that they are always welcome. I have managed to walk out of a marriage that was hell at the end and within 3 years, resolve issues enough to be friends with my former spouse. I pay my own bills. I have friends who are amazingly there for me when I least expect it. I get frustrated, and I may pull back for a while, but I hang in there and reconnect as I am able to pull out of my funk.
Well, it's almost midnight and I need to get to sleep. I don't think I had intended to write this much tonight, but it felt good.
Yesterday I was still feeling headachey and out of sorts, and I ended up having to go out on a call that was outside of the range of what I am required to do, but that the person was being so rude that I needed to go out in the name of good PR for my agency. Which meant I had to go get my babysitter, and then drive about an hour away, talk to someone for about 10 minutes, make the phone call that the other person could have made, and wait an hour and a half for a response. I could have done the same thing via phone without going out there, but no, some supervisor had to be histrionic and insist I come. When I left there, I started out down the road and my back left tire started to wobble. I stopped, got out and looked, and apparently it was getting ready to blow a tread and metal pieces were showing. I was right by super walmart so I went in there, and they were understaffed, but two hours and $300 I don't have later, I had two new tires and was heading home. Stopped to get gas right by walmart, and when I left to get on the road, my car started surging. I think either I got bad gas, or my fuel filter has finally become unhappy with me for alternating between gas and e-85. It would surge when starting up, or when going below 45, but on the highway, it ran fine. Grrr. I got home, and my friend whose daughter was babysitting had come to get her daughter. She knows more about cars than I do, so I had her take my car out with me, and she came to the same guess I did. She called her husband, who is knowledgeable about cars and whose best friend is a very able mechanic, and they said they'd be able to look at it. So, she handed me the keys to her nearly new PT cruiser and took my '03 explorer home, until we can swap back at work on Monday. Wow. Now THAT is a friend. Except, it's so much nicer than my car, I've been afraid to drive it anywhere other than to go to work on Monday; I'll take my old van to church tomorrow. I hope they can figure out what's wrong with it and fix it without having to put it in the shop!! And last night my young friend caught up with me on facebook and we chatted until it got wonky, and he suggested we switch to phone. So we did, then my cell phone battery was dying (I need a new one) so we switched to skype and videoconferenced until about 1 in the morning. I don't think he had any idea how much I really needed to laugh, and that was definitely accomplished. I felt a whole lot better when I woke up today, and went and posted a heart and a thank you to my kids' godmother and my kids were quite relieved to see that I was back to my usual, not so cranky, self.
I caught the Rabbi's shabbat service this morning, and it was really good food for thought. It continued on from last week and he talked about how to identify people who are going to be unhealthy for you- as well as to help you be aware of your own unhealthy habits. He noted this is applicable to all areas of life: church, family, workplace, etc... I took notes on it, and I want to write it down because I want it somewhere that I can look it up in a coherent, non-chicken scratch format before I go on any date with anyone. So; for my future reference, these are 24 points to evaluate character (my own and that of others):
1. Refuse to admit guilt or wrongdoing. May have a temporary admission of guilt, but only as a way to gain favor with someone. "To accept responsibility would violate the spirit of insecurity and ____ (my kids interrupted me so I didn't catch that second word there) from which it originates." The best you'll get from them is "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt."
2. Takes credit for benefits for which they contributed no effort.
3. Uses people to accomplish its agenda- lets others do the dirty work. For example, gets peoples' emotions all stirred up and then lets that person go into a rage, then sits back all innocent, saying, "Who, me?"
4. They will withhold information. You can ask them a question they already know the answer to and they deny that they know, or they outright lie. They won't give you the whole story, so they can draw power from it to manipulate you. They won't tell their spiritual leaders (or boss, or spouse, etc...) what they are thinking; they don't want feedback or to be challenged.
5. Talks in confusion. It's impossible to speak to them with logic. They change the subject around, they may be vague- they may say a whole lot, without actually saying anything and use confusion to keep their agenda hidden.
6. Volunteers for everything. They have seemingly endless energy and volunteer for projects, but their intentions are not good. They don't end up sticking with anything because they typically get burnt out, trying to take on too much for glory, and they typically have a spirit of judgment toward everyone else. They are typically people who move from congregation to congregation (or relationship to relationship), becoming critical over any little thing they see as wrong, and they act as if they are carrying the show. But, the fact is, that when they walk themselves out, they are the ones who lose. Other people, the workplace, the church, etc... are better off without them.
7. Lies. Lies convincingly, no one can lie better than he can. They can turn on the charm so much, that those who are victimized can only stand by and watch it happen- no one believes the victim. That they can look you in the eye and lie shows their rebelliousness.
8. Ignores people. Fails to acknowledge people. He gave the example that his son in law works at Home Depot, and was instructed to ask people, "How may I help you?" When they come through the door. He asked, what would it be like if we did that in our regular lives, asked people how we can help? Contentious people are the opposite- they won't ask this, and they won't acknowledge you. "A classic ploy of controlling people is to ignore you when you are talking to them- ignoring people instead of choosing to talk to them."
9. Never gives credit or shows gratitude. They will rarely acknowledge another person's actions, not even for something that turns out to be beneficial. They just can't say thank you or acknowledge. He points out that in failing to acknowledge people who invest in their lives, they cut off a source of replenishment.
10. Criticizes everyone. Has to be the one who looks good, so they will criticize anyone who has an idea or a plan, even if they agree. "Criticizing elevates the controller in his mind."
11. One upmanship. Feels threatened if anyone dare steal the limelight. If you tell of your accomplishments, he will quickly tell of his.
12. Sequestering information. Loves to be in control of information; will push to be the first to know. Can dictate data about other peoples' actions in mass quantity.
13. Uses information. If in a position of credibility, uses that information to twist it to their own benefit. It gives them a sense of power to know things that others do not.
14. Talks incessantly. Doesn't realize that you can learn more by listening than by talking. Because of this, is unable to receive input.
15. Spiritualizes everything. When a controller is confronted, typically pawns it off on God. Makes the implication that, "You've got a problem, I don't."
16. Is insubordinate. Has a gift of influencing people, but never takes the side of authority unless it makes them look good. They will get your confidence, like an employee who sidles up to the boss, then sells them out. Or a spouse who will tell you yes, and resent you and undermine you, in an effort for power and control.
17. Pushy and domineering. They become a bully. Pressures you to do things; makes you feel like you don't have a right or the ability to choose.
18. Is clairvoyant. They know how to connect with your insecurities and takes advantage of the ability to perceive things about you. Will say things like, "I can't tell you what it is, I just know." Preys on your insecurities, and they get all puffed up.
19. Uses the element of surprise. A large part of control is catching you off guard.
20. Sows seeds of discord. Will continually belittle another person in a subtle way and will use half-truths to undermine others.
21. Center of attention. When others are recognized, he undermines this.
22. Vengeful. Since he's never wrong, if you confront him you'd better be ready for him to be your worst enemy; you become the target of the worst venom.
23. Attempts to make you look like the contentious spirit. Tries to make the innocent person look like the one that is controlling.
24. Disapproval. Often manipulates with disapproval, as in a marriage or a work situation. You feel like you can't say anything at all, because no matter what you do, it will be wrong.
That is a really good list. I can say that a couple of my issues show up on there. Sometimes I struggle with withholding information. However, that's typically a matter of not feeling safe revealing information. If someone asks me a direct question, I'll generally give them a direct answer. A lot of times, people don't ask and I just don't volunteer. I'll have to pay attention to more to whether that works or doesn't work for me. Another is the incessant talking. I do love to talk. But, I do also have times when I listen. And I ask for clarification before I keep talking. Sometimes I kick myself because I wish I had shut up and listened better, and when that happens and I get the chance, I go back and apologize and ask for them to tell me again, with my full, rapt attention. I think I do sometimes also just know things about people- but when challenged on how I know, it isn't that I'm pulling it out of the air, it's based on their past behaviors and statements, and I'll explain if asked. My ex husband said that irritated the heck out of him when we were married, but he really misses that now. I suspect that quality was one of the big ones that Mr. Heartless found so annoying. It's not that I am judging, it's that I'm asking a question and trying to understand.
I also liked the list because it tells me there are things I am doing right in my relationships with others, even if they don't always turn out so great. For example, I invite people to disagree with me, or to tell me what it is they don't like about me. I'm willing to seek feedback, and I don't typically leave a conflict with a person hanging, without trying to come to some sort of understanding or resolution. I don't always agree with authority, but I do respect that if I disagree and I choose to stay, I need to support. I understand that one bad part doesn't make an entire thing bad (though, that appears to be a double edged sword for me with some people). Even though I often feel detached, I do have things I have been a part of for long term. I've been at my job over 9 years. I've had my home business for 14 years. I've got my 5 kids and I am there for them. I have been part of my church for 3-1/2 years, and stayed when the congregation split, and have been part of a small group of people who have just gone to as many of those who left as we could find, and simply stating we miss them and hope they are well, and that they are always welcome. I have managed to walk out of a marriage that was hell at the end and within 3 years, resolve issues enough to be friends with my former spouse. I pay my own bills. I have friends who are amazingly there for me when I least expect it. I get frustrated, and I may pull back for a while, but I hang in there and reconnect as I am able to pull out of my funk.
Well, it's almost midnight and I need to get to sleep. I don't think I had intended to write this much tonight, but it felt good.
Quote for the Day
“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Mid Week Ramblings
Yay, it's Wednesday and we have a four day weekend ahead! I'm on call on Friday, but hoping I don't get called out; knock on wood!!! Since we don't have any other family here, the kids and I plan to go to St. Timothy's Episcopal church for the community lunch. We went last year, and it was really nice. A lot of the senior citizens go there, and my kids are pretty personable and enjoyed socializing and getting all the attention, and the seniors enjoyed seeing reasonably well-behaved, interactive kids, so it was good for everybody. And, I don't have to cook or worry about a bazillion tons of leftovers (especially since two of us are vegetarians and don't eat turkey at all), so that's really nice.
I've still been working through on my feelings of hurt about how Mr. Heartless left things. I haven't heard anything more from him and don't imagine I will. I am so grateful for my friends, who have really been there for me and remind me that I am valued and important, even if that's something not everyone is going to appreciate. I guess that is the one big thing I learned from my experience with Mr. Heartless. I've finally gotten ahold of the roots of that childhood core belief that says I'm unloveable, and accepted the realization that a lot of people simply aren't capable of giving and/or receiving love, and that this lacking is something that they have to deal with and really doesn't have a whole lot to do with me (no matter how much I might get blamed for it). Nobody can go through a locked door. My job is unlocking my door, I can't control whether or not someone else wants to unlock theirs.
I had some good talks with my children's godmother this week, she's a big support. We met when I was pregnant with my son (about 10 years ago), when I sold her a hedgehog and we got to know each other through group activities around our critters, and were involved in a core group of about a dozen people. There was a person in the group of friends who started sowing dissent among the group; I guess I was an easy target because I became the first to be discredited. I was busy with grad school, work, babies, and my own pets so he started talking to other people about me, saying I'd said things I hadn't, and he convinced her that I was terrible. I tried to explain the truth, but no one would listen, so I left the group. About a year later, he turned on her, and suddenly she realized that I was the one who had been truthful, and that I hadn't ever been mean, unfair, or said nasty things about anyone else. She called me and apologized and asked if we could get together and talk. We did, and when I explained to her the truth of what had happened from where I sat, she looked like someone had punched her in the stomach when she realized how much she'd been lied to and how hurtful she'd been to me just because of what she had believed was true. What I told her was consistent with what others had told her bits and pieces of one she knew what to ask about, and the other person had demonstrated inconsistencies over time. I knew she was truly sorry and regretful, and we renewed our friendship. That brought us a lot of trust because I saw that she was the kind of person who wasn't afraid to admit where she had judged me wrong, and she saw I was the kind of person who wasn't going to be nasty about things or hold a grudge. She and I are extremely different on a lot of points of view, but we accept our differences and are very loyal friends now. Anyway, it was good to have her support, and to be able to tell her everything. She and her husband remind me I am valued and loved. She also told me she's going to invite me to dinner sometime when she can also invite her son's TKD instructor. She had wanted to introduce me to him 2 years ago, but then he ended up falling head over heels for someone and getting engaged. I asked what happened. Apparently he had an experience with her much like what I did with Mr. Heartless. Except he sold his house, left his TKD studio, and made quite a few sacrifices to be with her and make her happy, and then she told him nope. I know my friend and her family think the world of this guy, so perhaps someday our paths will cross and we'll see if it merits another meeting. But no rush.
Also had a good group at church on Thursday. Not sure what to call the group, we do outreach, visiting people to tell them we miss them if they've been gone, pray with people who have had hard times, things like that. And we also work on trying to get to know each other and be supports for each other. One of the guys in the group was the first to tell his story, and it did help put him in context more. He's someone my kids adore, and I consider him one of my brothers, he's positive and supportive (he's the one who had talked to Mr. Heartless). Turns out that the parents that raised him are not his biological parents. His mother is schizophrenic and his father was a severely abusive person who, when my friend was 4 and his brother was 6, broke his mother's arms so she couldn't help her boys, and threw them in the swollen creek that runs through the middle of town. His older brother managed to get them out and his aunt and uncle stepped up to become his adoptive parents. He said he'd always wanted to be a husband and a dad, and he got married not long after high school and had his son. He worked hard to provide for his family, and he was in insurance sales, making a good living but working long hours. His wife decided she hadn't gotten to experience enough life and started going out and doing the partying thing, having affairs, and it was well known around town. He had tried to deal with that, but then it got to the point where he came home from work and found that she'd slept all day and didn't take care of their son- their son was still in the same dirty diapers and hadn't been fed. He filed for divorce and became a single parent. He was selling health insurance and was the 3rd highest selling agent in the nation for his company one year, selling over a million dollars- when he had a complaint. The person didn't like how their claim was handled and said he'd misrepresented the insurance. He got fined and lost his license, and had to figure out what else to do and start over. He eventually met his second wife, who has two boys. It's very clear he adores his wife and her boys, but he was able to talk about some of the struggles they have in trying to blend their families and in some of the differences in values that they have realized. For him, being involved in the community is really important; coaching kids' sports team, going to church, and building relationships with people in the community. She doesn't want to be involved in much outside of home and her family. We were able to hear him, acknowledge his pain, and to encourage him to keep trying to keep his mind and his heart open to his wife to try to reach a place where it works for them. There was one lady who has been married 22 years (since she was 18) and has always worked opposite shifts from her husband, and she gave some perspectives on how they've handled some of those space/difference issues, and another couple that's been married about 17 years was there, and they shared about some of their difficulties, too. I hope it was good for him to hear that all couples have their struggles, and plenty of people do make it work. That's a message I need to hear a lot, too; it may be a needle in the haystack to find someone who is as willing to work at it to make it work, but it does happen.
I've also had a couple of other friends who have cheered me up; I'm going out for Thai food on the 5th with a guy from my home town who is also adrift out here in the midwest. It's quite amusing to me as I am very much the oddball; intellectual, odd sense of humor, love sci fi/fantasy and philosophy, travel, educated, etc... We've talked off and on over facebook for the last year and I found out recently some of why it's been so hit and miss is that he was finishing college, and he just passed the air traffic controller's exam. I have no idea what one must study to become an air traffic controller or what would possess someone to do so, so I'll ask him about that. Should make for an interesting afternoon. Then, my favorite geeky young man has been popping up and chatting with me several evenings per week; I can't remember where we first started talking, probably about two years ago. I made his acquaintance online, when he was deployed to Afghanistan and we'd email when he wasn't off on month long missions (he's a combat medic). He's quite bright and well read, and loves to argue and debate. Sometimes I have to kick myself to remember how young he is and to remind him I could be his mother when he's jokingly flirtatious. He is an avowed atheist but had to admit my theory of why I am spiritually minded is one he can't really come up with a good argument against so we agreed to disagree and simply speak our minds. We do agree on our distaste for fundamentalists of any flavor. He has commented a couple of times recently that he thinks we should hang out. He does have a car, but he's stationed 6 hours away, so I figure if he wants to meet me at some point, he can figure something out. I think he might be a good person to invite when my kids' godparents have a gathering, somehow I think he's social and offbeat enough that he would enjoy the nuttiness of their collection of friends, and he's only 3-1/2 hours from there.
I've still been working through on my feelings of hurt about how Mr. Heartless left things. I haven't heard anything more from him and don't imagine I will. I am so grateful for my friends, who have really been there for me and remind me that I am valued and important, even if that's something not everyone is going to appreciate. I guess that is the one big thing I learned from my experience with Mr. Heartless. I've finally gotten ahold of the roots of that childhood core belief that says I'm unloveable, and accepted the realization that a lot of people simply aren't capable of giving and/or receiving love, and that this lacking is something that they have to deal with and really doesn't have a whole lot to do with me (no matter how much I might get blamed for it). Nobody can go through a locked door. My job is unlocking my door, I can't control whether or not someone else wants to unlock theirs.
I had some good talks with my children's godmother this week, she's a big support. We met when I was pregnant with my son (about 10 years ago), when I sold her a hedgehog and we got to know each other through group activities around our critters, and were involved in a core group of about a dozen people. There was a person in the group of friends who started sowing dissent among the group; I guess I was an easy target because I became the first to be discredited. I was busy with grad school, work, babies, and my own pets so he started talking to other people about me, saying I'd said things I hadn't, and he convinced her that I was terrible. I tried to explain the truth, but no one would listen, so I left the group. About a year later, he turned on her, and suddenly she realized that I was the one who had been truthful, and that I hadn't ever been mean, unfair, or said nasty things about anyone else. She called me and apologized and asked if we could get together and talk. We did, and when I explained to her the truth of what had happened from where I sat, she looked like someone had punched her in the stomach when she realized how much she'd been lied to and how hurtful she'd been to me just because of what she had believed was true. What I told her was consistent with what others had told her bits and pieces of one she knew what to ask about, and the other person had demonstrated inconsistencies over time. I knew she was truly sorry and regretful, and we renewed our friendship. That brought us a lot of trust because I saw that she was the kind of person who wasn't afraid to admit where she had judged me wrong, and she saw I was the kind of person who wasn't going to be nasty about things or hold a grudge. She and I are extremely different on a lot of points of view, but we accept our differences and are very loyal friends now. Anyway, it was good to have her support, and to be able to tell her everything. She and her husband remind me I am valued and loved. She also told me she's going to invite me to dinner sometime when she can also invite her son's TKD instructor. She had wanted to introduce me to him 2 years ago, but then he ended up falling head over heels for someone and getting engaged. I asked what happened. Apparently he had an experience with her much like what I did with Mr. Heartless. Except he sold his house, left his TKD studio, and made quite a few sacrifices to be with her and make her happy, and then she told him nope. I know my friend and her family think the world of this guy, so perhaps someday our paths will cross and we'll see if it merits another meeting. But no rush.
Also had a good group at church on Thursday. Not sure what to call the group, we do outreach, visiting people to tell them we miss them if they've been gone, pray with people who have had hard times, things like that. And we also work on trying to get to know each other and be supports for each other. One of the guys in the group was the first to tell his story, and it did help put him in context more. He's someone my kids adore, and I consider him one of my brothers, he's positive and supportive (he's the one who had talked to Mr. Heartless). Turns out that the parents that raised him are not his biological parents. His mother is schizophrenic and his father was a severely abusive person who, when my friend was 4 and his brother was 6, broke his mother's arms so she couldn't help her boys, and threw them in the swollen creek that runs through the middle of town. His older brother managed to get them out and his aunt and uncle stepped up to become his adoptive parents. He said he'd always wanted to be a husband and a dad, and he got married not long after high school and had his son. He worked hard to provide for his family, and he was in insurance sales, making a good living but working long hours. His wife decided she hadn't gotten to experience enough life and started going out and doing the partying thing, having affairs, and it was well known around town. He had tried to deal with that, but then it got to the point where he came home from work and found that she'd slept all day and didn't take care of their son- their son was still in the same dirty diapers and hadn't been fed. He filed for divorce and became a single parent. He was selling health insurance and was the 3rd highest selling agent in the nation for his company one year, selling over a million dollars- when he had a complaint. The person didn't like how their claim was handled and said he'd misrepresented the insurance. He got fined and lost his license, and had to figure out what else to do and start over. He eventually met his second wife, who has two boys. It's very clear he adores his wife and her boys, but he was able to talk about some of the struggles they have in trying to blend their families and in some of the differences in values that they have realized. For him, being involved in the community is really important; coaching kids' sports team, going to church, and building relationships with people in the community. She doesn't want to be involved in much outside of home and her family. We were able to hear him, acknowledge his pain, and to encourage him to keep trying to keep his mind and his heart open to his wife to try to reach a place where it works for them. There was one lady who has been married 22 years (since she was 18) and has always worked opposite shifts from her husband, and she gave some perspectives on how they've handled some of those space/difference issues, and another couple that's been married about 17 years was there, and they shared about some of their difficulties, too. I hope it was good for him to hear that all couples have their struggles, and plenty of people do make it work. That's a message I need to hear a lot, too; it may be a needle in the haystack to find someone who is as willing to work at it to make it work, but it does happen.
I've also had a couple of other friends who have cheered me up; I'm going out for Thai food on the 5th with a guy from my home town who is also adrift out here in the midwest. It's quite amusing to me as I am very much the oddball; intellectual, odd sense of humor, love sci fi/fantasy and philosophy, travel, educated, etc... We've talked off and on over facebook for the last year and I found out recently some of why it's been so hit and miss is that he was finishing college, and he just passed the air traffic controller's exam. I have no idea what one must study to become an air traffic controller or what would possess someone to do so, so I'll ask him about that. Should make for an interesting afternoon. Then, my favorite geeky young man has been popping up and chatting with me several evenings per week; I can't remember where we first started talking, probably about two years ago. I made his acquaintance online, when he was deployed to Afghanistan and we'd email when he wasn't off on month long missions (he's a combat medic). He's quite bright and well read, and loves to argue and debate. Sometimes I have to kick myself to remember how young he is and to remind him I could be his mother when he's jokingly flirtatious. He is an avowed atheist but had to admit my theory of why I am spiritually minded is one he can't really come up with a good argument against so we agreed to disagree and simply speak our minds. We do agree on our distaste for fundamentalists of any flavor. He has commented a couple of times recently that he thinks we should hang out. He does have a car, but he's stationed 6 hours away, so I figure if he wants to meet me at some point, he can figure something out. I think he might be a good person to invite when my kids' godparents have a gathering, somehow I think he's social and offbeat enough that he would enjoy the nuttiness of their collection of friends, and he's only 3-1/2 hours from there.
Saturday Musings
I was going to go on a motorcycle run today, but I woke up feeling tense and vaguely not well, and I decided to cancel. Layed around in bed until about 8:30, got up, got my bath, and was getting ready to watch the Shabbat service when I got a text. It was from Mr. Heartless. He wrote, "Good morning. I see this as an unhealthy period. You are wrong. It is okay. You will be, I will be! Goodbye." That irritated me. More denial and rationalization. I felt like I needed to reply, but this has to stop somewhere. I texted back, "Call me in two years and tell me if I am wrong. I will pray the Lord places people in your life who will speak the truth in love and bring to light what is dark." And now I have deleted that so I have no way to contact him, and I'm betting in two years he'll still be too prideful to call me, unless he has in fact learned and grown, in which case I would be happy for him.
I did have to wonder if he tuned in to listen to his Rabbi this morning. The first thing he talked about was the need for mentorship: "If you are not mentored, you will go off in the wrong direction... you need mentorship." Mr. Heartless and I have gotten into debates about this topic- I say you need mentors, Mr. Heartless says he does just fine studying alone. Then he started on the topic of honor, and stated, "How do you know if you have no honor? You do self-study..." and then later, of how if you complain about others or refuse to give others honor, you are not going to prosper. Mr. Heartless had all kinds of reasons why he couldn't honor people, that he started in with after about the 4th month we were dating. Couldn't honor the base chaplain because he married a couple that only knew each other a month. Didn't like the Rabbi's associate pastor (this is a Messianic church) because he didn't like some of his convictions. And really, after about the 4th month, he had started admitting he didn't really have any friends- just acquaintances- because anyone around him for any length of time would do something that got on his nerves and made them intolerable. Once, I asked him what he thought it might be that people were reacting to, and that was the first time he got pissy with me, "What do you mean, how would I know? That's their perspective." I pointed out that maybe if you understand someone else's perspective, you can better understand how to get along with them. Who knows, maybe that was the start of his discontent with me. Darn me, with all my desire for compassion and understanding. But, several times when I mentioned having my small groups and the friendships I am developing there, or my mentoring from the pastor's wife, Mr. Heartless looked sad and said he wished he had something like that. He could, but that is something you have to want to create, and you have to be willing to trust.
Anyway, then the Rabbi talked about "the spirit of Jezebel." He said that the first accusation of Jezebel is that "they are trying to control me." I was almost laughing at this point, because that was often Mr. Heartless' mantra about why he didn't like other people, and his big complaint about previous women in his life- and eventually, about me. Then the Rabbi pointed out that if you have this spirt of Jezebel, you will project your stuff onto other people. He added, "Deception is the birthplace for all pain. When pain enters your life, it always comes through the person" and how they influence you in a negative way. That one resonates for me, and the problems my difficulty with discernment bring me. After all, I was pretty slow to catch on to the deception.
I liked how the Rabbi then went on to define dishonor. He said, "The first clue to dishonor is asking for something unearned." I need to remember that one in my dating life; the corrolary being if I want to be honored, my affection needs to be earned, not given freely. Or, I will experience the kind of dishonor I received from Mr. Heartless. A further thought on that, "Let wrong relationships die. Wrong people never leave voluntarily... change any part of your life where someone has dishonored you, release them to Yaweh." OK, so it took me a while to get there, but that's what I'm trying to do.
The Rabbi then went on to some more sage advice for me. "Never evaluate people by their passion- it can be misleading." That's for sure. Mr. Heartless' passion for life and learning was what attracted me to him in the beginning. I didn't realize it represented who he wanted to be, not who he was. "If someone has difficulty giving honor, that is a red flag." Yes, it sure is. I hope that one of these days that lesson sinks in and I can quit repeating it. And finally, "When people show you who they really are- believe them." Amen to that one Rabbi, that is most definitely the truth.
The next thing the Rabbi talked about was the purpose of a woman. He talked about how the word woman means, essentially, helper, and how everything inside a woman is there to help you- wisdom, intuition, etc... He made the point that women are life-givers, anything you give a woman, she gives back to you, except women never give it back the way you gave it to them- they give it back to you greater, enlarged, expanded. I can't speak for other women, but that is certainly true of me. He talked about how if you give woman various things, what she'll turn it into (a house into a home, and so on), and then, "... if you give her frustration, she'll gives you hell." I chuckled at that, and then all the hairs on the back of my neck stood up at the next thing he said, because it echoed what I had said last week, "Men, iff you don't like what you're getting [from the woman in your life], you can identify what you are giving her- if you don't like what you are getting, look at what you are giving." Yup, if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you get. And for me, that means I have to learn to let go of people a whole lot earlier sometimes; that's a hard one for me; knowing when it's hopeless and when there's still hope, especially when the other person has done things that suggest there could be hope. I should not be so afraid to throw in the towel if I see evidence that the person isn't taking responsibility for their part in other relationships, even if they seem to have done so at first with me.
I did have to wonder if he tuned in to listen to his Rabbi this morning. The first thing he talked about was the need for mentorship: "If you are not mentored, you will go off in the wrong direction... you need mentorship." Mr. Heartless and I have gotten into debates about this topic- I say you need mentors, Mr. Heartless says he does just fine studying alone. Then he started on the topic of honor, and stated, "How do you know if you have no honor? You do self-study..." and then later, of how if you complain about others or refuse to give others honor, you are not going to prosper. Mr. Heartless had all kinds of reasons why he couldn't honor people, that he started in with after about the 4th month we were dating. Couldn't honor the base chaplain because he married a couple that only knew each other a month. Didn't like the Rabbi's associate pastor (this is a Messianic church) because he didn't like some of his convictions. And really, after about the 4th month, he had started admitting he didn't really have any friends- just acquaintances- because anyone around him for any length of time would do something that got on his nerves and made them intolerable. Once, I asked him what he thought it might be that people were reacting to, and that was the first time he got pissy with me, "What do you mean, how would I know? That's their perspective." I pointed out that maybe if you understand someone else's perspective, you can better understand how to get along with them. Who knows, maybe that was the start of his discontent with me. Darn me, with all my desire for compassion and understanding. But, several times when I mentioned having my small groups and the friendships I am developing there, or my mentoring from the pastor's wife, Mr. Heartless looked sad and said he wished he had something like that. He could, but that is something you have to want to create, and you have to be willing to trust.
Anyway, then the Rabbi talked about "the spirit of Jezebel." He said that the first accusation of Jezebel is that "they are trying to control me." I was almost laughing at this point, because that was often Mr. Heartless' mantra about why he didn't like other people, and his big complaint about previous women in his life- and eventually, about me. Then the Rabbi pointed out that if you have this spirt of Jezebel, you will project your stuff onto other people. He added, "Deception is the birthplace for all pain. When pain enters your life, it always comes through the person" and how they influence you in a negative way. That one resonates for me, and the problems my difficulty with discernment bring me. After all, I was pretty slow to catch on to the deception.
I liked how the Rabbi then went on to define dishonor. He said, "The first clue to dishonor is asking for something unearned." I need to remember that one in my dating life; the corrolary being if I want to be honored, my affection needs to be earned, not given freely. Or, I will experience the kind of dishonor I received from Mr. Heartless. A further thought on that, "Let wrong relationships die. Wrong people never leave voluntarily... change any part of your life where someone has dishonored you, release them to Yaweh." OK, so it took me a while to get there, but that's what I'm trying to do.
The Rabbi then went on to some more sage advice for me. "Never evaluate people by their passion- it can be misleading." That's for sure. Mr. Heartless' passion for life and learning was what attracted me to him in the beginning. I didn't realize it represented who he wanted to be, not who he was. "If someone has difficulty giving honor, that is a red flag." Yes, it sure is. I hope that one of these days that lesson sinks in and I can quit repeating it. And finally, "When people show you who they really are- believe them." Amen to that one Rabbi, that is most definitely the truth.
The next thing the Rabbi talked about was the purpose of a woman. He talked about how the word woman means, essentially, helper, and how everything inside a woman is there to help you- wisdom, intuition, etc... He made the point that women are life-givers, anything you give a woman, she gives back to you, except women never give it back the way you gave it to them- they give it back to you greater, enlarged, expanded. I can't speak for other women, but that is certainly true of me. He talked about how if you give woman various things, what she'll turn it into (a house into a home, and so on), and then, "... if you give her frustration, she'll gives you hell." I chuckled at that, and then all the hairs on the back of my neck stood up at the next thing he said, because it echoed what I had said last week, "Men, iff you don't like what you're getting [from the woman in your life], you can identify what you are giving her- if you don't like what you are getting, look at what you are giving." Yup, if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you get. And for me, that means I have to learn to let go of people a whole lot earlier sometimes; that's a hard one for me; knowing when it's hopeless and when there's still hope, especially when the other person has done things that suggest there could be hope. I should not be so afraid to throw in the towel if I see evidence that the person isn't taking responsibility for their part in other relationships, even if they seem to have done so at first with me.
Thank Goodness It's Friday
I'm glad it's Friday, it's been a long week. Up and down, still kind of emotional. Still couldn't entirely get Mr. Uncertainty (who will, I think, now be known as Mr. Heartless) out of my head, I realized the things that bothered me most are that I walked off with him feeling self-righteous and that it was just me being some emotional woman and that the whole problem was my emotionality, weakness, and demandingness, not anything to do with him. Yet another chapter that geez, he just can't find the right woman because I expect so much. All I expected was him to be consistent with who he said he was, and who he acted like for those first months- I guess it became too much pressure to keep up the charade and who he wanted to be slipped back to who he was. I was texting and I realized that I still had his text in my phone because photos I had sent didn't delete out of the sent mail like the rest of the regular texts. I debated just deleting them, but I realized I needed to leave a final message for my closure, since I can't stand to leave people without the seeds to grow if they are going to.
I texted him, and I wrote that I struggle to reconcile the person he pretended to be and the person he turned out to be. And that I am not upset that he rejected me, I am upset with his lack of integrity and the lack of honor with which he treated me. And, that he knows what his Rabbi says about honor. I didn't expect any response, but he sent back, "Okay." He won't think about it now, but every time he listens to his Rabbi, Rabbi speaks about honor. Honor and how it relates to prosperity. Mr. Heartless complains a lot about his lack of prosperity. I wrote him back, "No, not okay at all. But that is my problem. To me, love means to want the best for the other person. And you made it clear you have none of that for me." Then I told him, "I confessed to the pastor's wife and she told me that I should pray for you in your brokenness, and that perhaps God put you in my life to teach me to be more careful... and perhaps he put me in yours to plant the seeds that will help you someday understand what blocks your prosperity." I knew I wouldn't get a response for that, but that it will do exactly that. Knowing his response pattern and history, I know that will piss him off. He'll think I'm a bitch and all that stuff. But I have learned how he makes his life more difficult by treating people badly and blaming them; creating schisms where there are none. Thinking he is such a great guy and wondering why his relationships, his finances, etc... don't work and why he doesn't have anyone he can really count as a close, true friend. I am sure it is because of the pattern he played out with me. So, now he definitely has that seed. He knows how I treated him, that I was patient, kind, giving, and understanding. Part of him liked that and reached out for a little while, then he shut down, wanted to accept the chance for reconciliation, and shut back down. But he knows what kind of person I am, and he several times expressed sadness that he doesn't have prosperity in his life like I have in mine (my education, my good job where I am valued to the point they gave me a $5k raise to stay and the knowledge I am competitive in the job market, my children with me and good relationships with them, some support from my mom, my financial needs are always met no matter how dire it looks, a church where I have personally supportive relationships, good friends who always seem to come through even when I fear they won't, and so often, good things just happen for me as a result of ripples of kindness coming back, and so on). Now I know that when he hears anyone talking about prosperity, he will have an earworm rise to the top. And when his Rabbi talks about prosperity and the things that block prosperity- the top one being dishonoring women, then dishonoring people in general- maybe he will think about what he is doing, and suffer or change. I always hope for people to change; I like to think there is goodness in there, waiting to come out. The phone calls and emails I have gotten from former boyfriends or people I knew in the past tells me that even when I am sometimes sharp, the things I say make a difference and help them to grow. But that becomes their path. I deleted all his texts so now I have no way of contact at all; I said what I have to say and I go on.
I texted him, and I wrote that I struggle to reconcile the person he pretended to be and the person he turned out to be. And that I am not upset that he rejected me, I am upset with his lack of integrity and the lack of honor with which he treated me. And, that he knows what his Rabbi says about honor. I didn't expect any response, but he sent back, "Okay." He won't think about it now, but every time he listens to his Rabbi, Rabbi speaks about honor. Honor and how it relates to prosperity. Mr. Heartless complains a lot about his lack of prosperity. I wrote him back, "No, not okay at all. But that is my problem. To me, love means to want the best for the other person. And you made it clear you have none of that for me." Then I told him, "I confessed to the pastor's wife and she told me that I should pray for you in your brokenness, and that perhaps God put you in my life to teach me to be more careful... and perhaps he put me in yours to plant the seeds that will help you someday understand what blocks your prosperity." I knew I wouldn't get a response for that, but that it will do exactly that. Knowing his response pattern and history, I know that will piss him off. He'll think I'm a bitch and all that stuff. But I have learned how he makes his life more difficult by treating people badly and blaming them; creating schisms where there are none. Thinking he is such a great guy and wondering why his relationships, his finances, etc... don't work and why he doesn't have anyone he can really count as a close, true friend. I am sure it is because of the pattern he played out with me. So, now he definitely has that seed. He knows how I treated him, that I was patient, kind, giving, and understanding. Part of him liked that and reached out for a little while, then he shut down, wanted to accept the chance for reconciliation, and shut back down. But he knows what kind of person I am, and he several times expressed sadness that he doesn't have prosperity in his life like I have in mine (my education, my good job where I am valued to the point they gave me a $5k raise to stay and the knowledge I am competitive in the job market, my children with me and good relationships with them, some support from my mom, my financial needs are always met no matter how dire it looks, a church where I have personally supportive relationships, good friends who always seem to come through even when I fear they won't, and so often, good things just happen for me as a result of ripples of kindness coming back, and so on). Now I know that when he hears anyone talking about prosperity, he will have an earworm rise to the top. And when his Rabbi talks about prosperity and the things that block prosperity- the top one being dishonoring women, then dishonoring people in general- maybe he will think about what he is doing, and suffer or change. I always hope for people to change; I like to think there is goodness in there, waiting to come out. The phone calls and emails I have gotten from former boyfriends or people I knew in the past tells me that even when I am sometimes sharp, the things I say make a difference and help them to grow. But that becomes their path. I deleted all his texts so now I have no way of contact at all; I said what I have to say and I go on.
Not too bad of a day
Definitely feeling better today than I was after last time I went through this with Mr. Uncertainty. At least this time, I have no uncertainty about what I needed to do. I unfriended him on facebook, since I don't want him to be looking in at my private thoughts and judging me, nor do I have any interest in keeping track of someone who has so very clearly shown me that I can't trust him to care about my feelings or do the right thing by me. I also deleted out of my phone all his old texts and messages, and anything I'm likely to come across that relates to him. I need to step away and do better next time. I've learned a lot here about what I need to not do, and why I can't let my sympathetic, trusting side lead- I need to see, not just listen and give the benefit of the doubt- that a man is decent and let him show me, not tell me, he cares and in a language that is not the physical.
I went to church this morning, and I was able to sit down with the pastor's wife and tell her what happened. I can't continue to do the same things over and over; I can't worry what anyone else is doing, I need more accountability in my life because it's what will help me have the support to make changes I can't make on my own. It was good to be heard, and she agreed with me that there must be something very wrong with him, and that while I have to take responsibility for my choices, it's also very easy to see where I got lost in the mixed messages. She agreed with me; pray for God to help him and move on, now that I know what I really need and have started to get it from my community- acceptance without judgment, support, and genuine appreciation that I exist. I told the pastor's wife that if there was a reason he stayed on my heart so long, perhaps it was that I was needed to confront him on his dishonesty, and to let him know that is not okay. He may not have understood from me yesterday that I was not upset that he rejected me; I was upset that he was dishonest about his feelings and exploited mine, all the while telling himself he was a great guy. Nope, not buying it. He should have told me by phone and saved me the time and money, and that would have left me thinking he was decent. He's not. I told the pastor's wife that he planned to go into ministry, and she said you see people like that all the time- they can quote and quote and quote, but their heart is not there. The sad part is the damage they can do; I felt that myself this summer, but at least I had my supports, and now I know why I need to not be impatient and try shortcuts; there is no substitute for time and waiting, and knowing and standing firm for what it is I want. I also have been able to better define what it is I want.
It was also good to talk to her about my frustration about being single out here. She agreed with me- the demographic is such that my likelihood of meeting someone is close to nil. But, how to meet someone who is willing to make the effort to come to me? So far the only men I've met that were willing to do that, in 3-1/2 years since I got divorced, were the ultra-creepy stalker dude and the other guy I met on eharmony over 2 years ago, who wanted instant marriage and to plot out my life for me after one date. Not what I need either. None of the churches in the area have singles groups, and even if they did- I'm 42. I live in a tiny town (under 6000 people) and it's 2 hours to the actual city. I'm educated, well traveled, and I read/learn constantly. The average man of my age here has done so much meth he looks like my grandpa and has half the brain cells, or he's never been outside of town much and thinks a trip to the city is a major undertaking. Maybe it'll be different in a few years where I can get my oldest three to watch my youngest three so I can find some things to get involved with in the city that will let me meet people without having to pair off right away. Or maybe some opportunity will come open for a job elsewhere (as I already hear health insurance is fixing to hike again this next year, and I already pay $709 a month), and I can figure out how to swing a move. I don't know. I just know I have to cry sometimes and it was good to feel validated. One of the guys from church who does the Thursday outreach groups with me, who my kids love and has been a big support for my family, came in and gave me a big hug and told me that he didn't need to know what was going on, but that it'll be okay. That was sweet, it's good to have "brothers." Ironically, he's the person who had talked to Mr. Uncertainty on the phone about his being a man filing a custody case. Anyway, chapter closed. Dusting myself off and moving on.
I went to church this morning, and I was able to sit down with the pastor's wife and tell her what happened. I can't continue to do the same things over and over; I can't worry what anyone else is doing, I need more accountability in my life because it's what will help me have the support to make changes I can't make on my own. It was good to be heard, and she agreed with me that there must be something very wrong with him, and that while I have to take responsibility for my choices, it's also very easy to see where I got lost in the mixed messages. She agreed with me; pray for God to help him and move on, now that I know what I really need and have started to get it from my community- acceptance without judgment, support, and genuine appreciation that I exist. I told the pastor's wife that if there was a reason he stayed on my heart so long, perhaps it was that I was needed to confront him on his dishonesty, and to let him know that is not okay. He may not have understood from me yesterday that I was not upset that he rejected me; I was upset that he was dishonest about his feelings and exploited mine, all the while telling himself he was a great guy. Nope, not buying it. He should have told me by phone and saved me the time and money, and that would have left me thinking he was decent. He's not. I told the pastor's wife that he planned to go into ministry, and she said you see people like that all the time- they can quote and quote and quote, but their heart is not there. The sad part is the damage they can do; I felt that myself this summer, but at least I had my supports, and now I know why I need to not be impatient and try shortcuts; there is no substitute for time and waiting, and knowing and standing firm for what it is I want. I also have been able to better define what it is I want.
It was also good to talk to her about my frustration about being single out here. She agreed with me- the demographic is such that my likelihood of meeting someone is close to nil. But, how to meet someone who is willing to make the effort to come to me? So far the only men I've met that were willing to do that, in 3-1/2 years since I got divorced, were the ultra-creepy stalker dude and the other guy I met on eharmony over 2 years ago, who wanted instant marriage and to plot out my life for me after one date. Not what I need either. None of the churches in the area have singles groups, and even if they did- I'm 42. I live in a tiny town (under 6000 people) and it's 2 hours to the actual city. I'm educated, well traveled, and I read/learn constantly. The average man of my age here has done so much meth he looks like my grandpa and has half the brain cells, or he's never been outside of town much and thinks a trip to the city is a major undertaking. Maybe it'll be different in a few years where I can get my oldest three to watch my youngest three so I can find some things to get involved with in the city that will let me meet people without having to pair off right away. Or maybe some opportunity will come open for a job elsewhere (as I already hear health insurance is fixing to hike again this next year, and I already pay $709 a month), and I can figure out how to swing a move. I don't know. I just know I have to cry sometimes and it was good to feel validated. One of the guys from church who does the Thursday outreach groups with me, who my kids love and has been a big support for my family, came in and gave me a big hug and told me that he didn't need to know what was going on, but that it'll be okay. That was sweet, it's good to have "brothers." Ironically, he's the person who had talked to Mr. Uncertainty on the phone about his being a man filing a custody case. Anyway, chapter closed. Dusting myself off and moving on.
Closure
I guess I got my closure with Mr. Uncertainty today, in the sense that I got his answer on where he's at, as best as I'm going to. I got a sitter to watch the kids and drove up there, getting there around noon. He asked if I minded joining his friend and his friend's wife for lunch, to which I said sure. Except, we had to wait an hour before they were going to get there, so we sat down to finish watching a webcast he'd been watching; he sat in the chair, and I sat on the bed, since it wasn't close to him. After a while, he sat down next to me, and curled up so I was against his chest. We started just talking like we always have, and one thing led to another, and it ended up being just like the first times; when he was sweet, attentive, and acted like he loved me. He had even asked me, if he ended up being out here for Thanksgiving, could he maybe spend it with my family. Then we had to go meet up with his friends; spent an hour waiting for a turkey since the American Legion was giving out turkeys to the soldiers, got those over to the friend's house, and went out for lunch. The friend and his wife were delightful, I really enjoyed their company and we spent several hours hanging out. He held my hand and was sweet and acted like we were a couple all day.
The friend is 10 years older than his wife, and she was 18 when they got married. They told the story of how they met when she was 16, and waited 2 years, getting married on he 18th birthday. When we got back to Mr. Uncertainty's place, I had an hour or two before I had to go. We curled up to talk, and one thing led to another, like in the morning. By then I was feeling kind of mad at myself for not having clarified where his head was at, and at some point, he started talking about how he wishes he had a relationship like his friend has with his wife, but he's always been unlucky in love. And he said something about having experienced various kinds of love, but, basically, not a relationship. I started to cry, quietly. He asked me what I was thinking, and I asked him, "What next?" He asked, "What do you mean, what next?" And I told him, I know he's going back to Colorado, I know he's going to need some time and space to sort things out, so what next?" He said, "Well, of course we'll keep in touch." I was incredulous and furious. I told him, "I love you, and I know that isn't your fault, but you know how I feel about things, and it wasn't fair to ask me here today, if you had no intention of continuing in any sort of relationship." And he said, "Well, I don't see myself coming back this way." I got up, put my clothes on, told him that if he thinks he is simply unlucky in love, then he is sorely mistaken because there are things you have to do to make a relationship work, and his problem appears to be more a result of lack of skill and effort, rather than anything to do with luck. And I left.
He followed me out to my car. Since he was standing there, I went ahead and got out the stocking caps I had knitted for him and his daughter, and I gave them to him and told him that they were for them. He knew I had been knitting hats. Then I told him it's impossible to get through a locked door, so it's no surprise no one gets in. He started to tell me some crap about how that's my perspective and not his, and how what I call love isn't what he calls it. I told him his friend knows what love is. His friend waited two years on his wife, and clearly values his wife, and treats her like she is something special. I told him that deciding not to continue a relationship with me is not the thing that is the problem, it's how he did it- and at this point, there was someone else standing two cars over and I didn't care- I told him it's really low of him to treat me all sweet and caring, asking me to come here and knowing how I felt about relationship, then fuck me and tell me I'm not worth the effort to have any sort of relationship with. I told him again that he shouldn't have invited me and treated me the way he did today; acting as though everything was fine and that he cared about me, with my having been very clear about what I needed and wanted before that happened. He said, "Well, I could have just disappeared and not said goodbye." I told him that might have been better than using my trust and my emotions to take advantage of me, and then telling me so long, get lost, as it seemed he was doing.He wouldn't look at me and his jaw was set. I told him again what I thought of it, and he told me that the problem is that he's grown so much already, and yet, I keep expecting him to grow. I wanted to say no duh, LIFE requires you to grow if you want to have these things you say you want, like a long term relationship. I kissed him on the cheek, told him goodbye, and left. And it kept bugging me as I left, that he thinks that the whole reason I'm upset is that I want him to throw himself on commitment to me; that isn't necessarily the case. I wanted him to treat me with honesty and respect, and he did not. I called him back and he wasn't there, so I left him a message. I told him that I wished I could tell him in person, but since he didn't answer, I needed to add to what I already told him, that I wish he had simply told me goodbye on the phone, then he would have saved me 6 hours drive, $50 in gas, $50 for the babysitter, and feeling completely used and taken advantage of. And that if he wants to go into ministry someday, perhaps he needs to develop a quality called empathy, which is putting yourself in another person's shoes, because what he did to me today was just very low, and if he just keeps treating people like he has, then he will just keep getting what he's getting. I will be the first to admit I let my boundaries slip because my feelings fo him have been so strong and I had hoped so much that he'd learned from what had happened between us four months ago and the things we'd both learned, and I should not have done that. However, given the way he presents himself as being such a good guy and so respectful of women, I don't think I am wrong in bringing it to his attention that the way he treated me was anything but.
The friend is 10 years older than his wife, and she was 18 when they got married. They told the story of how they met when she was 16, and waited 2 years, getting married on he 18th birthday. When we got back to Mr. Uncertainty's place, I had an hour or two before I had to go. We curled up to talk, and one thing led to another, like in the morning. By then I was feeling kind of mad at myself for not having clarified where his head was at, and at some point, he started talking about how he wishes he had a relationship like his friend has with his wife, but he's always been unlucky in love. And he said something about having experienced various kinds of love, but, basically, not a relationship. I started to cry, quietly. He asked me what I was thinking, and I asked him, "What next?" He asked, "What do you mean, what next?" And I told him, I know he's going back to Colorado, I know he's going to need some time and space to sort things out, so what next?" He said, "Well, of course we'll keep in touch." I was incredulous and furious. I told him, "I love you, and I know that isn't your fault, but you know how I feel about things, and it wasn't fair to ask me here today, if you had no intention of continuing in any sort of relationship." And he said, "Well, I don't see myself coming back this way." I got up, put my clothes on, told him that if he thinks he is simply unlucky in love, then he is sorely mistaken because there are things you have to do to make a relationship work, and his problem appears to be more a result of lack of skill and effort, rather than anything to do with luck. And I left.
He followed me out to my car. Since he was standing there, I went ahead and got out the stocking caps I had knitted for him and his daughter, and I gave them to him and told him that they were for them. He knew I had been knitting hats. Then I told him it's impossible to get through a locked door, so it's no surprise no one gets in. He started to tell me some crap about how that's my perspective and not his, and how what I call love isn't what he calls it. I told him his friend knows what love is. His friend waited two years on his wife, and clearly values his wife, and treats her like she is something special. I told him that deciding not to continue a relationship with me is not the thing that is the problem, it's how he did it- and at this point, there was someone else standing two cars over and I didn't care- I told him it's really low of him to treat me all sweet and caring, asking me to come here and knowing how I felt about relationship, then fuck me and tell me I'm not worth the effort to have any sort of relationship with. I told him again that he shouldn't have invited me and treated me the way he did today; acting as though everything was fine and that he cared about me, with my having been very clear about what I needed and wanted before that happened. He said, "Well, I could have just disappeared and not said goodbye." I told him that might have been better than using my trust and my emotions to take advantage of me, and then telling me so long, get lost, as it seemed he was doing.He wouldn't look at me and his jaw was set. I told him again what I thought of it, and he told me that the problem is that he's grown so much already, and yet, I keep expecting him to grow. I wanted to say no duh, LIFE requires you to grow if you want to have these things you say you want, like a long term relationship. I kissed him on the cheek, told him goodbye, and left. And it kept bugging me as I left, that he thinks that the whole reason I'm upset is that I want him to throw himself on commitment to me; that isn't necessarily the case. I wanted him to treat me with honesty and respect, and he did not. I called him back and he wasn't there, so I left him a message. I told him that I wished I could tell him in person, but since he didn't answer, I needed to add to what I already told him, that I wish he had simply told me goodbye on the phone, then he would have saved me 6 hours drive, $50 in gas, $50 for the babysitter, and feeling completely used and taken advantage of. And that if he wants to go into ministry someday, perhaps he needs to develop a quality called empathy, which is putting yourself in another person's shoes, because what he did to me today was just very low, and if he just keeps treating people like he has, then he will just keep getting what he's getting. I will be the first to admit I let my boundaries slip because my feelings fo him have been so strong and I had hoped so much that he'd learned from what had happened between us four months ago and the things we'd both learned, and I should not have done that. However, given the way he presents himself as being such a good guy and so respectful of women, I don't think I am wrong in bringing it to his attention that the way he treated me was anything but.
Middle of the week already.
Here we are, another Wednesday drawing to a close. I had a big surprise today; Mr. Uncertainty called and I missed it, but he left a message asking me if I wanted to hang out this weekend. I called him back but he didn't answer, so I texted back and we eventually sorted out that we'll meet for lunch on Saturday. Wow. I did not expect that. And I am trying to set aside any expectations I might have. I enjoy his company and it's up to him to decide if he wants to just keep a friendship at a distance like we seem to have fallen into, or for something to change. I don't think he tolerates change much, so I don't expect much. But I do look forward to spending time with him.
Stray Thoughts on Saturday Night
It's been a really busy week, yet again, so here I am when I should be in bed, but I wanted to get some thoughts down on paper. I found out on Wednesday night via a post on his facebook profile that Mr. Uncertainty expects to be out of the army and back home to Denver by Christmas. I read that, and that and the cheerful posts from his friends back home, and the fact that he didn't say anything to me yet hit me like a punch in the stomach. Rationally, I knew that denial and compartmentalizing is his way of dealing with things so that it wouldn't occur to tell me personally says a lot more about him than me, but it still, well, it just sucked. I let myself cry myself to sleep, and in the morning, I felt a lot better. Thursday morning he texted and told me he was on his way to DC; I remembered he'd mentioned that the army was flying several people from his unit out there for a concert and some sightseeing (great use of taxpayer money, eh?). Later he texted to say he got there but his luggage didn't. I chuckled at that, I have definitely had more than my fair share of those experiences. I texted back that I could sympathize, and didn't hear from him again until he told me good morning on Friday.
Friday evening I was checking my facebook and saw that there was a replay of a show on streaming video that he'd wanted to watch, and I'd partly watched but the stream was bad so I hadn't caught the whole thing, so I went to watch it, and it occurred to me I ought to tell him. I though nah, he'll probably be someplace doing something fun, so he won't be able to. But I decided I'd text him and tell him that if he was near net access, it was on. A minute or two later, he called me to ask for the link (he was in his hotel room) and as much as I wanted to talk to him, I also did want to watch the rest of the video, so I kept it brief and went back to watching. Two hours later, when it was done, he texted and asked if I was still up. It was 10 pm by that time, but I texted back that I was. He called and we talked about the show, and also about how he's doing in DC, about the visit with my ex, about his daughter, about all kinds of things. Good conversation. Eventually we realized it was getting close to midnight, and we started to wind down. Somehow I slipped out, "And I see you're getting ready to get back home soon." His voice got softer, which is what happens when he tends to tune in and be present. He told me yes, he's going back home the 13th to sign his release paperwork and should be back home in a month. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to ask him if he planned to say goodbye, but I also felt kind of mad that he didn't take any responsibility for closure of any sort; especially since we'd talked earlier about his need for closure with a few friends. Yup, he definitely has some big blind spots. I was trying to think of how to articulate my thoughts, and he said, "You're quiet." I told him I was listening. He asked me if I was okay. I really wasn't sure how to answer that. I told him yes. He pointed out again that I was quiet. I told him I was listening, I really didn't have anything specific to say. He asked me what I was thinking and I told him I wondered if he would be willing to meet me for lunch before he leaves. He paused a moment and said yes, he could do that. I'm not sure I believe he was sincere. Then I felt sad again, when I'd felt fine since I woke up on Thursday, and that irritated me. I told him good night and sweet dreams, and went to bed but sleep was irritatingly not fast in coming and I woke up an hour before my alarm. Today he texted me in the morning to tell me he was on a tour bus in DC and it was perfect, except he could use a beer. I texted back that I was driving through western KS and all I saw was harvested fields, cows, and telephone poles. And that I'd send a virtual beer if I could.
So there it is. I went out to visit my kids' godparents on their farm today (with the kids, of course) and I talked with my friend about it. Her husband was listening in on the conversation, and they both said they didn't have any suggestions for me. All I can do is be me, and he'll either go through what my ex husband and "bad boyfriend" did and realize my value when separated from me, or he'll decide he doesn't want to grow, and slip back into the negative patterns he's had back at home that have led him to have the problems he has with attachment and relationships now. Either way, there's nothing I can do about it except be me, not judge or overanalyze, and give him time and room to show me what he's able to do or not do, and make my decisions accordingly. At this point, he's known me nearly a year, we've been through a major conflict, and we still find that we connect intellectually and spiritually, and sometimes emotionally, and that even without the physical aspect of the relationship, we still inspire one another to think and grow, and we are sometimes able to be very vulnerable and real with one another in ways that neither of us are able to be with other people. It's so very difficult stuff, that all this is there, and he just isn't in a place to acknowledge or deal with it except on a very rare, occasional basis. :( That is so very difficult.
Quote for the Day
"Nessum maggior dolore, che ricordarsi del tempo felice nella miseria."
(There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy)
-- dante alighieri, inferno.
(There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy)
-- dante alighieri, inferno.
Quote for the Day
"Once you begin to acknowledge random acts of kindness-both the ones you have received and the ones you have given-you can no longer believe that what you do does not matter."
-- Dawna Markova
-- Dawna Markova
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