Today was kind of slow paced, but hard to get through. I wanted to eat lots of junk food, but I didn't. I had a nice pot of herb tea this evening (passion fruit and coconut flavored) instead of munching out, so that was a nice compromise. And, made hot chocolate with chocolate mint flavored marshmallows for my two kids who were still up at 10 pm. 

The thoughts about my friend were back today. I wonder what is going on in his life, but I don't want to be intrusive. He'll tell me if I need to know. I don't even know if he would like me as more than a friend, even if he divorced and the ink were dried. But still, I get those wondering thoughts. It also makes me sad when I see men who do care and do try, but are in relationships with someone who doesn't appear to try and doesn't appreciate at least the effort they have made. It makes me wonder what it is I don't know about the situation. 

But on the happy side, I got a ruffler foot for my sewing machine today. Took me a long time to get it on the machine, but it works beautifully! I can't hardly wait until I get my current projects done, then I have fabric purchased to make some cute, quirky skirts with ruffled layers. Each skirt will be in a color scheme, but each layer will be a different pattern. I think they will be fun! :)

This morning I decided to make muffins in it and made chocolate chip muffins, but with cherry chips instead of chocolate. Again, super easy, an the verdict was: delicious! I got in the muffin mood for dinner and made pizza muffins, except, I made them in a traditional pan this time. They were a huge hit with the kids!

As for me... I'm still using my loseit.com app to track what I eat, so I didn't eat any of the muffins or cupcakes :( But I did enjoy their wonderful smells. I've had some rough days this week, but I keep reminding myself that I want to have my energy back. And that if I stick to my goals, I'll not only feel better, I'll have my preferred body back by about April. Two years to put it on, and four months to take it off doesn't sound like that bad of a deal to me. And, if I look better, I can do some more adventurous anime costumes and feel good in them. That's what I try to keep myself thinking about.

The only really bad thing lately is that I got a letter (looks like it's a Christmas card or some sort of card) with the stalker's name/addy (probably a fake one) on it. After two freaking years and ONE bad date, this guy will not take no for an answer. Part of me wanted to mark it return to sender, but he might that that as communication and my writing on it as some sort of shrine or something. Ick. Makes me shudder to think about it. I sure hope he stays away; this is EXACTLY why I did NOT like him AT ALL!!!

 ~Erma Bombeck

I did get myself set up with the loseit.com app on my smartphone. And I did the horrible deed of stepping on the scale to get honest with myself about how much I've packed on. 27.5 pounds since New Year's of  '09, ouch. So I set a goal to lose two pounds per week and I'll be using the system to try to stay on track. I like that it also tracks nutrients; being a vegetarian (nothing with a nervous system, and no eggs I can taste) I have to watch my protein intake to make sure I'm getting enough. I really need to follow through; I want my energy back. I really need to care.

I also want to get back to keeping track of my thoughts, I think that helps me to be more authentic and more in tune with myself, rather than just going on autopilot. I have to quit ignoring myself and give vent to the things that are eating at me, so I'm not running in circles from them. That means I want to average blogging 4 times per week, even if it's short, just to remember to check in with myself. 

I do have high hopes for 2012. I hope that things will stabilize some, with the adoption of my final two kids having been finalized in November and all of us getting used to one another's personalities. I also think that my finances will continue to get in order; last year I made some pretty big strides. And, I'm hoping to be creative and get lots of sewing projects done; I have some ideas simmering that I'm really excited about!

Happy New Year, and hopefully I won't just be writing to myself, and I'll be seeing you lots!

Another happy thing is my two newest kids went to see their biological grandma, for their last visit before the adoption. I wasn't able to get a hold of her by phone so I sent a note with them, with school pictures, and I gave her our number so she can call them, and asked if it's ok if we call, send pictures, etc... She sent address and phone number so we can do that. I also let her know that I'm ok with the kids still having visits. I know she's been very involved with them, and that if she could afford it and was able to manage their behavior, she would have gladly taken them. This way, she gets to enjoy being grandma and the kids get to stay connected and know their first family is okay.

My other happy thing is that I got in a couple of hours of sewing on the project I'm working on. It's a costume that I need for my oldest daughter for a masquerade competition that we'll be entering, the first weekend in December. It's coming along nicely and my design idea seems to be working out, so that has me pretty excited! Now... off to sleep so I can get ready for Monday!

On the other hand, I've also been dealing with my mom this week. She does not like that I have adopted kids. She thinks that because it would be overwhelming for her, I must be overwhelmed and this will damage my other kids. What she does not understand is that the other kids were and are in full agreement about the adoption. She does not understand that we are supports for one another, as well as that myself and each child in the family have multiple supports to turn to. I think it's kind of sad that my mom, with whom I would love to have a great relationship, is someone I have to talk to sparingly because her scathing disapproval is something I really don't relish- and it's quick to be administered and slow to be rescinded. She says I should trust her more, but her reactions this week tell me my lack of trust is for a good reason. I've said it to her many times; I would share more of my life with her if she would not freak out so much. The people who know me and my kids on a day to day basis all have confidence in my ability to parent my children; how sad that my mother does not see my successes, in that or in so many other areas. She also doesn't give my children credit for their strengths. I am grateful for the friends I have, who listen and who support; it makes it easier to work through when my mom makes it very pointedly clear that she does not.

Some of the post cards I've gotten have been really original. I got a wooden postcard from California. Some dear soul in Dalmatia sent me a postcard with a pop out CD with screen savers, pictures, games, traditional music, and all sorts of things to represent his country! I've gotten postcards from all populated continents except Africa... my son was lucky and got one from Zambia (it was marked #63, so only the 63rd sent from that country).

They don't sell postcards from where I live so I made my own using pictures from around my county, that I and my kids took. We had them printed into postcards at the Wal-Mart photo center. I've gotten a lot of positive comments about them, so that has felt good, too :)

If you like to receive mail or are curious about the world, I would definitely recommend postcrossing! :) Every day I look forward to what my mailbox brings :)

Aaack! I am pretty sure I left it in the ATM. Of course, it was after hours for any bank to be open and I didn't have a number. But, I also have a credit card with the same bank so I called that number, waded through umpteen million phone menus (did I mention I truly hate those?), started pressing 0 indiscriminately, and eventually got a human being who transferred me over to the department that handles lost ATM cards. Thankfully, I was savvy enough today to ask him for the number before he transferred me because I did get cut off (after getting transferred and going through 2 menus), so I called back, got put on hold for about 20 minutes, and finally got an extremely helpful young lady who assured me nothing had been charged on my card, and that she was shutting it off and sending me a new one,. Whew!! 

Then, we went to PetsMart and got crickets, chinchilla food, and anti-fungal stuff for the goldfish tank (we have a white goldfish larger than my hand and every once and a while he gets septicemia). Stopped to pat the adoptable greyhounds along the way; one took a shine to my son and crawled all in his lap as he squatted down. Too cute; I love greyhounds.

My oldest daughter called to say she'd gotten home when we were about an hour out. She was in a foul mood. Tweens can be so delightful (not!). I was exhausted by the time we got home so I lay down for a nap and was almost asleep when my next critter customer came and I had to get up and get their baby for them. By that time, I knew I couldn't sleep, but was cranky as hell. I knew I wouldn't be good company so I texted my friend who was having a 20th anniversary party and told her I wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be coming, and that I hoped the party went great. 

I spent my evening sorting out pattern pieces, cutting out pattern pieces, and sewing/ripping apart/sewing/ripping apart/sewing/ripping apart... you get the idea... my son's orange satin Aladdin pants and his very multicolored, metallic vest. Tomorrow I tackle the shoe covers (complete with those curled up toes), hat, and cummerbund. And then start in on my middle daughter's evil tooth fairy idea. I should be able to be done by Halloween; only two weeks to go!

My oldest daughter and I went to the anime convention last weekend and had a WONDERFUL time!! Her costume got a lot of attention due to the humongous Harkonnen cannon prop (here's a link to a pic of someone else's: http://www.fotolog.com/hellartcosplay/21146146 ) and my costume was of a complimenting character. We met lots of interesting people and saw tons and tons of fun costumes! Our favorite events were the 100 Ghosts game, where people met in a dark room at midnight and we all had an electric candle. Each person told a scary story, then turned out the light. The Japanese tradition is that with each light that goes out, a spirit enters the room. Spooky fun! And then the next night was karaoke, except the person in charge didn't show up with the equipment. So someone else improvised with a laptop and youtube, and it was grand, silly fun! I also got my daughter to get up on the runway and show off our costumes during the costume competition, and she showed a lot of confidence and got great applause! She can't hardly wait for the next one :)

I also finished my son's Pirates of the Caribbean costume that I've been working on, and I must say that I think it turned out fabulous!! He is so tickled with it that each morning I have to tell him NO, not until Halloween!!! Tomorrow we go to the city and I buy the rest of the fabric for my other son's Aladdin. That one should be a whole lot easier and faster to do!

Other things... sorting out bullying that my oldest daughter was getting at school. Took about two weeks, and I found that her best friend's mom  (that we've known since kindergarten, and they're in 6th grade now) was NOT very helpful at all. Thankfully one of the bullies sent my daughter a facebook message telling her how nobody likes her after I went with her to talk to the middle school principal and tell him that I know you can't make middle school girls be nice, but you can sure tell them their being mean is not all right. She was able to take it to school to corroborate that she was being bullied, and it sounds like the school counselor did a fabulous job of sorting it all out. There was another girl telling the friend that my daughter did/said things she didn't, and friend is not one who has learned to question things or take problems back to the source. My daughter was very happy to be cleared of the alleged wrongdoing, and to have her friend back.

Yesterday I got a text from a number I didn't recognize, saying only, "Hi..." I thought I recognized the area code so I did a search for the number and yes, it was as I suspected, from the state and city that Mr. Romantic/Heartless calls home. It took me a few hours before I decided what I wanted to do, and finally I just texted back, "Who is this?" Didn't get a reply so I guess he lost his nerve, if that was him. If it was, he's truly nuts. Or pathetic. Or both. You'd have to be, to treat someone that shabbily, then come wandering back through. At least I am at that place where it doesn't bother me any more; I'm reasonably contented with my life and comfortable with my aloneness, and that's a different place than when I met him. I have changed a lot since we parted ways, and I suspect he would like me even less now as I have so much less tolerance for wishy washiness and bullshit. I understand that myself and my time are valuable things. I never used to put my needs very high before; now sometimes I surprise myself that I am almost selfish at times. Not in a way that is intentionally hurtful, but in a way that is protective of me.

  ~Elbert Hubbard