My 9 year old son is going through another phase of behaving badly. Sigh. Kids who find digging themselves into a hole and putting up curtains in that hole are exhausting. He will be so much happier when he figures out it takes a whole lot less energy to do the right thing. If he ever gives himself a chance to figure it out.

My oldest daughter and I have been reading a chapter a day from a book about badasses. It's written with lots of bold guy talk and profanity, and sure gives a different twist on history. here's the website link if you want to learn more about these intriguing characters. My favorite so far was in a section on famous last stands, about the battle of kohima, in Burma, in 1944, also known as the Battle of the Tennis Court.

The other kids seem to be okay; life moves on for them. They see that when there is a problem, we handle the problem, make sure everyone is safe, and we deal. The middle son, the birth brother of the daughter who is in residential care, is having some problems but we expected that. I am hoping that before she comes home, the time I am able to devote to being completely stubborn about not letting him misbehave without consequences will help keep things calmer in the long run. We shall see. I did realize he hasn't been physically aggressive with anyone in almost two months, which is huge for him. He is 9 years old and is used to being in charge, and it just doesn't work that way here. It's a painful lesson, but one that has to get learned before they can be happy with themselves. 

I immediately told her to stay upstairs, my son to stay in the kitchen, and sent the rest of the kids to play out in the backyard with my 13 year old daughter to watch. I got my son calmed down enough to tell me what happened. What he described both boggled my mind and broke my heart for both of them. The behavior he described was aggressive, predatory, and suggested that she is quite sexually experienced/confident. Absolutely not the way you want to think about 7 year old girls. I called her downstairs and into another room. She was angry and defiant in her demeanor. She yelled at me, "I didn't do nothing, he forced me, he held me down...!!" So I called in the first child who had also been in the room; my 12 year old son. He has some mild developmental delays, but is generally pretty honest and not a good liar. I questioned him in front of my daughter, and I asked him in a manner that if he wanted to tell me what he thought I wanted to hear, he would have incriminated the boy. He did not. His description matched the other boy's perfectly and he was adamant that the boy had done nothing but try to get the girl to leave him alone and that he never asked her to be near him and did not encourage her, and had only acted to push her off of him. I thanked him and sent him outside, then called in the other one, a 9 year old girl. Same thing- I asked my questions in a manner that would have placed blame on the boy, and her description of events were completely consistent with the two boys. I sent her outside. Then I had to do what I hate to do, and I had to turn to the 7 year old and tell her that I just heard three people who didn't get to talk to each other about it tell me the same story- and hers is different, so I needed her to tell me something closer to the truth. After having to repeat this several times and her scream "I didn't do nothing" at me, she crossed her arms, took on what we've all come to call "the ugly face" and said, "Fine, I did it." Then silence and glaring for a moment, and "But I don't care."

I had a friend come and watch the rest of the kids and I took her to the hospital to have her screened by mental health, and they agreed with me that she was not safe to herself and others, and we found her a hospital bed on a children's behavioral health unit, 2 hours from where we live. I drove her up there. It took 6 hours from when my son ran downstairs, until I dropped her off and she was still angry and glaring. She spent 10 days in the hospital, and during that time, I requested longer term care for her because the hospital said they couldn't open the topic of past sexual trauma (which is NOT in her record... no sexual acting out had been recorded during her 2-1/2 years in foster care, which makes me wonder... who the hell was not watching out for this kid.... you can't tell me that what she did came from a kid who had simply watched her mom have sex with multiple partners at age 4 and under... so what happened to her in between?) and she was being perfectly fine there, so they wanted to send her home. I filed complaints and argued that if she would act out sexually toward an 11 year old boy, in front of two other older children, she is NOT safe for home or the community- that she's at risk as a perpetrator AND as a potential victim.

Eventually, I did get an approval for longer term care and last Monday I took her to a residential facility about 2 hours from our house, in a different direction. She was quiet and kind of distant. I think she thinks we will not take her back. I think she is young enough she can change, and that intensive treatment may help her. They are supposed to help her talk about the trauma issues in her past while she is there, as well as skills to deal with anger and impulse control. So far, they say she is quiet and being a perfectly model child.  I hope that her honeymoon is over soon so she can truly get the help she needs. They can't treat what they don't see. I am just hoping and praying that this gives her a boost toward being a happier, healthier person. It's going to mean an awful lot of 2 hours each way road trips in the next 2 months, so that she knows we are there for her, even with what happened.

Meanwhile, her brother that I also adopted, is having a hard time. He has started stealing again, mostly from home (bringing it to school and putting it in his desk) and his teacher's books. He's been alternating between angry and defiant (about 2/3 of the time) and pleasant and fun the rest of the time. It's hard to live on that roller coaster with him; sometimes we are all very exhausted. I am hoping that having the 3 months of just one high intensity child will help us to help him connect a bit more. I had to talk with their grandmother today- we are keeping in contact with her because she really adores them, but could not afford them or manage their extreme behaviors. It broke my heart to have to tell her what had happened, but I was glad that I could assure her that they are getting the help they need, and that I am committed to them, regardless of what happens. 

My son is still freaked out, but all in all, he is an amazingly resilient and forgiving person. So are the other children. We have gone over tightening up safety rules for the home, which will have to be extremely strict (as in no mixed gender groups out of an adults immediate line of sight) and she will have to sleep in her own room, alone, with an alarm on the door. She will not be allowed out of  the sight of myself or another adult, until we have gone at least a year with no major issues.  I was proud how quickly they acted to address the situation when it occurred, so that nobody had to shoulder any secrets for any length of time, and no additional incidents were able to occur. The kids said they feel safe again and that the safety plan we've devised feels workable to them. 

If you are a praying person, please pray for my family, and especially for my most recently adopted daughter and son. They have deep scars and hurting inside that turns into acting out on the outside, and they need healing. The rest of us need healing from the anger they hurl toward us at times, and to be forgiving and patient, while also strong and firm. Thank you.

Today was kind of slow paced, but hard to get through. I wanted to eat lots of junk food, but I didn't. I had a nice pot of herb tea this evening (passion fruit and coconut flavored) instead of munching out, so that was a nice compromise. And, made hot chocolate with chocolate mint flavored marshmallows for my two kids who were still up at 10 pm. 

The thoughts about my friend were back today. I wonder what is going on in his life, but I don't want to be intrusive. He'll tell me if I need to know. I don't even know if he would like me as more than a friend, even if he divorced and the ink were dried. But still, I get those wondering thoughts. It also makes me sad when I see men who do care and do try, but are in relationships with someone who doesn't appear to try and doesn't appreciate at least the effort they have made. It makes me wonder what it is I don't know about the situation. 

But on the happy side, I got a ruffler foot for my sewing machine today. Took me a long time to get it on the machine, but it works beautifully! I can't hardly wait until I get my current projects done, then I have fabric purchased to make some cute, quirky skirts with ruffled layers. Each skirt will be in a color scheme, but each layer will be a different pattern. I think they will be fun! :)

This morning I decided to make muffins in it and made chocolate chip muffins, but with cherry chips instead of chocolate. Again, super easy, an the verdict was: delicious! I got in the muffin mood for dinner and made pizza muffins, except, I made them in a traditional pan this time. They were a huge hit with the kids!

As for me... I'm still using my loseit.com app to track what I eat, so I didn't eat any of the muffins or cupcakes :( But I did enjoy their wonderful smells. I've had some rough days this week, but I keep reminding myself that I want to have my energy back. And that if I stick to my goals, I'll not only feel better, I'll have my preferred body back by about April. Two years to put it on, and four months to take it off doesn't sound like that bad of a deal to me. And, if I look better, I can do some more adventurous anime costumes and feel good in them. That's what I try to keep myself thinking about.

The only really bad thing lately is that I got a letter (looks like it's a Christmas card or some sort of card) with the stalker's name/addy (probably a fake one) on it. After two freaking years and ONE bad date, this guy will not take no for an answer. Part of me wanted to mark it return to sender, but he might that that as communication and my writing on it as some sort of shrine or something. Ick. Makes me shudder to think about it. I sure hope he stays away; this is EXACTLY why I did NOT like him AT ALL!!!

 ~Erma Bombeck

I did get myself set up with the loseit.com app on my smartphone. And I did the horrible deed of stepping on the scale to get honest with myself about how much I've packed on. 27.5 pounds since New Year's of  '09, ouch. So I set a goal to lose two pounds per week and I'll be using the system to try to stay on track. I like that it also tracks nutrients; being a vegetarian (nothing with a nervous system, and no eggs I can taste) I have to watch my protein intake to make sure I'm getting enough. I really need to follow through; I want my energy back. I really need to care.

I also want to get back to keeping track of my thoughts, I think that helps me to be more authentic and more in tune with myself, rather than just going on autopilot. I have to quit ignoring myself and give vent to the things that are eating at me, so I'm not running in circles from them. That means I want to average blogging 4 times per week, even if it's short, just to remember to check in with myself. 

I do have high hopes for 2012. I hope that things will stabilize some, with the adoption of my final two kids having been finalized in November and all of us getting used to one another's personalities. I also think that my finances will continue to get in order; last year I made some pretty big strides. And, I'm hoping to be creative and get lots of sewing projects done; I have some ideas simmering that I'm really excited about!

Happy New Year, and hopefully I won't just be writing to myself, and I'll be seeing you lots!

Another happy thing is my two newest kids went to see their biological grandma, for their last visit before the adoption. I wasn't able to get a hold of her by phone so I sent a note with them, with school pictures, and I gave her our number so she can call them, and asked if it's ok if we call, send pictures, etc... She sent address and phone number so we can do that. I also let her know that I'm ok with the kids still having visits. I know she's been very involved with them, and that if she could afford it and was able to manage their behavior, she would have gladly taken them. This way, she gets to enjoy being grandma and the kids get to stay connected and know their first family is okay.

My other happy thing is that I got in a couple of hours of sewing on the project I'm working on. It's a costume that I need for my oldest daughter for a masquerade competition that we'll be entering, the first weekend in December. It's coming along nicely and my design idea seems to be working out, so that has me pretty excited! Now... off to sleep so I can get ready for Monday!

On the other hand, I've also been dealing with my mom this week. She does not like that I have adopted kids. She thinks that because it would be overwhelming for her, I must be overwhelmed and this will damage my other kids. What she does not understand is that the other kids were and are in full agreement about the adoption. She does not understand that we are supports for one another, as well as that myself and each child in the family have multiple supports to turn to. I think it's kind of sad that my mom, with whom I would love to have a great relationship, is someone I have to talk to sparingly because her scathing disapproval is something I really don't relish- and it's quick to be administered and slow to be rescinded. She says I should trust her more, but her reactions this week tell me my lack of trust is for a good reason. I've said it to her many times; I would share more of my life with her if she would not freak out so much. The people who know me and my kids on a day to day basis all have confidence in my ability to parent my children; how sad that my mother does not see my successes, in that or in so many other areas. She also doesn't give my children credit for their strengths. I am grateful for the friends I have, who listen and who support; it makes it easier to work through when my mom makes it very pointedly clear that she does not.

Some of the post cards I've gotten have been really original. I got a wooden postcard from California. Some dear soul in Dalmatia sent me a postcard with a pop out CD with screen savers, pictures, games, traditional music, and all sorts of things to represent his country! I've gotten postcards from all populated continents except Africa... my son was lucky and got one from Zambia (it was marked #63, so only the 63rd sent from that country).

They don't sell postcards from where I live so I made my own using pictures from around my county, that I and my kids took. We had them printed into postcards at the Wal-Mart photo center. I've gotten a lot of positive comments about them, so that has felt good, too :)

If you like to receive mail or are curious about the world, I would definitely recommend postcrossing! :) Every day I look forward to what my mailbox brings :)